I’d Love To Help

I’m always looking to get involved, to stay engaged.  And for the longest time, I’ve wondered if this is an area where I can actually help others in some small way.

You see, while moving around the ‘trans web’ .. blogs, websites, chat rooms .. I see a lot of pain, a lot of carnage, a lot of well intended bad advice.  We come out to spouses, kids, friends and work associates just as we’re told by our peers and things get ugly.

Yes, the rabbit hole is there but I honestly believe there’s a way around it for many of us without falling down the hole in exactly the same way as so many before us.

I have no experience with how therapists recommend we tell others about our deep dark secret because, it would appear,  we only see a therapist after the damage is done, to help us pick up the pieces.  In fact, I have no training in this area at all and bring nothing more to the topic than open-minded experience watching other’s pain and being a good listener and shoulder to cry on. .

In my opinion, the biggest lie propagated within the trans community is “If they love you, they’ll understand” ~ me

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So what I’m proposing is to create a resource .. a website  maybe .. with ‘best practices’ based on emotionless common sense and feedback from others. And ideally a section for blindsided spouses and family members to get practical info on why it happened and what to expect.  Something for us to read .. to consider .. before we tell, and something for them to read .. to consider ..  after they hear.

So as I mull this over in my head, email me your thoughts or comment here.  Or better yet, send me YOUR advice .. the “Do’s” and “Don’t’s” from your angle. And if you know a therapist who might be interested in contributing, please let me know that too.

When it feels so right, it’s easy to become delusional about the way the world perceives us.  This is often known as The Pink Fog, and doesn’t give us much of a chance to make it work. – me, again

The progressive uprising of the last 8 or 9 years has made us bold and demanding and has created fictitious monsters for us to blame for our pain but it hasn’t offered a path to happiness.

I’d love to be able to help with that.

4 thoughts on “I’d Love To Help”

  1. This would be an extremely worthwhile endeavour albeit one that most certainly has to be approach with caution. I too have heard the many pieces of so-called “sound” advice that THANK GAWD I discarded but others have taken as the gospel. Your description of the “Pink Fog” is uncanny and accurate…I was at one time under it’s spell…lasted for about 6-10 months. This is the first time I had heard it so clearly explained.

    I have often received comments from other closeted crossdressing acquaintances about how they “wish they could come out like I have done” and I quickly have to inform them that I don’t dress 24-7…I don’t head down to the mall to do my shopping enfemme…I am discrete (to a point) about my dressing…etc…etc…there are individuals who know and many that don’t ( I have not told any of my adult children)
    I have been asked “what would do if people found out?” – I know that it would NOT devastate me…I’m past that (63 y.o. here) What I would do…in fact feel obliged to do …is explain the world of crossdressing from my perspective…clearly & concisely and only how it applies to me. I would also have to understand that others thoughts about me would forever be coloured …some could easily accept it…others not so much so….

    When offering “advice” one does have to tread very carefully…crossdressing is NOT the same as whether you like brussel sprouts or not…there are many reasons men and women crossdress…the reasons why can best be determined by individuals stopping and taking stock of themselves in an honest manner…that may only be possible with time and maturity…who knows?

  2. Hi Theadora! Thank you for the kind words and for the very insightful comment.

    Yes, I agree offering advice must be approached with caution., and I know one must take care to never suggest anyone take non-professional advice, but rather to consider what might help others to understand and deal with something we just can’t change about ourselves.

    I’m glad you think it would be a worthwhile endeavor. My dream is that if a resource is considered by most to be worthwhile, people will stop offering shitty ad hoc advice and just point people to the resource .. though I do know this would never happen. Ha!

    Thanks again for sharing your feelings.

  3. Your idea is a good one. I would hope that professional therapists already know ‘best practices’ but realistically they are just as human as the rest of us.
    While your observation about the Pink Fog is very true. I know I’ve occasionally felt that sense of totally misplaced confidence in how accepting other people might be of my choices. Luckily it hasn’t cost me but I’m sure there are other people whose happy expectations were shattered by how spouses and coworkers reacted to their revelations.
    You are right when you say “If they love you, they’ll understand” is not always acurate. There are people who just won’t be able to understand.
    I think that just by being here and talking about topics like this in a calm way you are not only helping but doing good work too.

    1. Welcome Roberta! And thank you for commenting.

      I wish I shared your faith in professional therapists. Quite often, I hear that therapists who specialize in gender issues are very quick to suggest hormones and surgery … and therapists who don’t specialize are quick to make the trans person feel “at fault”.

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