Category Archives: Social Commentary

Remembrance Day 2017 – Lest We Forget

For the first time in the history of my country, our despicable Prime Minister Trudeau will not be in the country to lay a wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier.

He may have forget but we will remember and we will NOT “take a knee.”

Please pause for a moment at 11:00 am this morning to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice.


I’d Love To Help

I’m always looking to get involved, to stay engaged.  And for the longest time, I’ve wondered if this is an area where I can actually help others in some small way.

You see, while moving around the ‘trans web’ .. blogs, websites, chat rooms .. I see a lot of pain, a lot of carnage, a lot of well intended bad advice.  We come out to spouses, kids, friends and work associates just as we’re told by our peers and things get ugly.

Yes, the rabbit hole is there but I honestly believe there’s a way around it for many of us without falling down the hole in exactly the same way as so many before us.

I have no experience with how therapists recommend we tell others about our deep dark secret because, it would appear,  we only see a therapist after the damage is done, to help us pick up the pieces.  In fact, I have no training in this area at all and bring nothing more to the topic than open-minded experience watching other’s pain and being a good listener and shoulder to cry on. .

In my opinion, the biggest lie propagated within the trans community is “If they love you, they’ll understand” ~ me

[avatar user=”Seleena” size=”medium” align=”left” /]

So what I’m proposing is to create a resource .. a website  maybe .. with ‘best practices’ based on emotionless common sense and feedback from others. And ideally a section for blindsided spouses and family members to get practical info on why it happened and what to expect.  Something for us to read .. to consider .. before we tell, and something for them to read .. to consider ..  after they hear.

So as I mull this over in my head, email me your thoughts or comment here.  Or better yet, send me YOUR advice .. the “Do’s” and “Don’t’s” from your angle. And if you know a therapist who might be interested in contributing, please let me know that too.

When it feels so right, it’s easy to become delusional about the way the world perceives us.  This is often known as The Pink Fog, and doesn’t give us much of a chance to make it work. – me, again

The progressive uprising of the last 8 or 9 years has made us bold and demanding and has created fictitious monsters for us to blame for our pain but it hasn’t offered a path to happiness.

I’d love to be able to help with that.

Toronto Pride – Why?

photo credit CBC

The Toronto Police Service has long been a supporter and participant in the Toronto Pride festivities and parade.  They even have a parade float.


But this year, they’ve been banned from participating.  It appears the Black Live Matters folks felt that allowing the police to continue participating was contrary to their cause.

And the festival organizers agreed.

photo credit Shaw Global News

But there’s backlash. Several groups are backing out too in support of the police.

Pride Festival runs from June 1st to June 25th this year.  And although my Pride festival attendance has been spotty at best recently, I will not be attending as long as BLM is in and the police are out.

T-Girl Chat Rooms – What’s Up?

I’ve long been a fan of t-girl chat.  I met several people who have become real-life friends in trans-themed chat rooms.   And they seem to be a good way to spend some quiet time, while keeping the “irons in the fire”, if you know what I mean, associated with somewhat like-minded people and those who appreciate girls with a difference. But that was then and this is now, and the world of trans chat has really changed.  And it’s sad.

The Gender Exchange chat room on is totally deadsville. I once considered this the pinnacle of chat but it’s barely limping along now.

The chat room at Urnotalone seems to have become just a shadow of it’s former self too.  There was a time in the recent past when one out of every three people in the chatroom was a room moderator, and most of them needed moderating themselves.   Now it appears, to me at least, that most of the “regulars” and persistent moderators are gone.  But to where?  These are people who, like me, seemed to “need” chatroom stimulation on a regular basis.

The chatroom that still seems to be surviving  is TGTalk (or TGGuide, depending on the portal you use to get there) but it’s changing too.  I’ve been using that one on and off for several since 2011 but only recently got any notice and seemed to be accepted into the clique.

It’s a heavily moderated chat room (and they just keep adding new moderators), which could be good, but sadly, the moderators are becoming less and less about actually helping to enhance the experience of the chatroom visitors and are more about the hard-ons they get from being authority figures.  The rules are often silly and pretty extreme though well-intended, but for mods looking to flex their muscles, perfect.

I’ve recently gone to several of them privately for help coming to terms with negligent behavior of some of the other mods there, and I did it intentionally in a slight immature, childlike manner, yet they did nothing to put my mind at ease. The impact of breaking a rule seems to more that a mod was angered than it is about making another chatter feel bad.  And the trans hierarchy that I’ve bitched about in so many other blog posts seems very much in effect when the mods determine who to reprimand and how strongly.  “Trannier than thou”?  Sad.

I even tried a pantyhose chatroom, Pantyhose Share Club, but found it difficult to stay since they seem okay posting photos sexualizing 10 year old girls wearing pantyhose as long as the photos didn’t violate child porn laws.

So, I need your help.  Can you recommend a chatroom that isn’t slipping away and isn’t ‘run’ by  a bunch of authoritarian ego trippers?   Either posting a comment in this thread or contacting  me in private with your suggestions  will work.

But for now, I’m off to give the trans chat rooms at Birchplace, trannyladies, Susan’s Place and wireclub a try.   I’ll report back.


So Much To Say

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started to write here, and decided against it.

What’s going on the the US is  so extreme I’m scared to death and don’t know what to say.

The only thing that I can offer is the thought that an election was held in a democratic country, someone won that election based on how elections have been decided since forever and a lot of people are unwilling to accept the results, even though around the same number of people voted for that result.

I’m heading to the US for an extended weekend but I have to tell you, it’s unnerving. Y’all are moving dangerously close to a civil war.  And if that happens, everybody loses.

People on the left, Democrats,  ‘progressives’, grow the fuck up.  You had the last 8 years and now it’s their turn.   And people on the right, don’t make things worse than they already are.

You’ve all got so much to lose.

Hopeful or Hopeless? I Choose the Former

seleenak_134644webI get it now.

After being in “shush” mode for several months,  and at the prompting of several people (“never shush, Seleena, ever!”)  I’m now feeling like it’s safe to “speak” again.   And, strangely, the US Presidential election is the catalyst.

No, I’m not a Donald J. Trump fan … quite the contrary …  but, since the US election, I feel exonerated to some degree for my feelings about the hateful left.  I now realize that I’m not alone in my disdain for them, or rather that my feelings might very well be shared by the majority, many of whom I respect immensely.

In my opinion, hatred and divisive feelings have grown exponentially in the last 8 years to a point worse than at any time my life and it weighs heavily on me.

I cherish nothing more than democracy, and the behaviors we’ve been seeing from the so-called “progressives”, especially post-election, indicate that a great many feel that democracy only works if their views rule supreme.  Not exactly progressive at all.

It will take some time to undo the “thought police”, politically correct. my-way-or-the-highway society they were able to build in 8 years but the ‘undo’ has begun.

Even Oprah Winfrey gets it.  (‘Gave Me Hope’ – ‘Everybody Can Take a Deep Breath Now’)

As I travel through life, disagreeing with more of my “sisters” than I agree with, please know that I would never want to change how you feel.  I respect free thought too much to ever do that.

But in expressing how you feel, and hearing my feelings, it could very well indicate that we have little in common.  And that’s okay too!

So Brexit has happened, a bit of a revolution has started in the US,  and there are enough-is-enough rumblings along this line in France and Italy too. So in the near future, it just might be okay to come out of the repressed shadows with our own personal feelings without being labelled a hater.  Though labelled I was.

I don’t need a community to hide behind.  Millions have spoken .. the vast majority aren’t radical  monsters or religious right extremists at all .. and my feelings of love and hatred have been validated.  I will no longer be judged … for my age, my ethnicity, my nationality, my political views, how far down this path I plan to go, for how much of my time I spend in girl mode, nor where (and how often) I’m out in public, or how I choose to dress when I’m out there.

And a silly man in the US made it happen for me.  Yikes!

So, have a nice life and I will too.  And avoid my blog if it offends you.

“Know when to ‘shush’, Seleena.”

SeleenaK20160309_220013sGood advice .. from me to me.  Just wish I would have heard that advice a little sooner.  But avoiding the politics of life is just not easy these days.

So on that note, I haven’t had much to say here lately.  But I think that’s okay.

Other that the upcoming visit from sweeties D and C (which I’m really, really looking forward to), I’m still laying low and staying in a world where smiling is easy.

Because smiling is important, isn’t it?


SeleenaK_1010sAs 2015 draws to a close, I thought I should comment briefly on a few things happening on my website as I close in my 9th year.

I’ve managed to stay on track through 4 versions of the site software without changing course too much.  But what has changed is the amount of on-site interaction I get from you, as well as the amount of effort I have to put into things to keep the site away from the hackers.

I don’t know why I get the vast majority of feedback and comments via email instead of on the site directly but I’m appreciative for every comment, no matter how it gets to me.  I mention this because I see a  change.  And yes, I know … blogs, in general, have moved from cool to boring.  I get that.

But the hackers … dammit .. visit me way more than you all do! hehe!  I have nothing financial on my site any more, and don’t require members to provide personal info beyond a username and email address.  Yet the reason they want my site, and so many others, is so that they can use it as a spam host.

If successful, they will send out a guzillion spam emails before the web host realizes and shuts them down.  And they’re not even interested in email addresses stored here; yours and mine.  They have their own list and just need a previously-honourable server to send from.

So, your passwords now must be big ugly long things in hopes of making them unguessable. Your computer’s IP address is  compared to a “ban list” before you’re able to log in and I manually compare the country new users claim to be from with the country where they’re logging in from to ensure a match or else I delete them.

Lots of work, really.

But I think my best options are:

  1. charge a small fee for membership.  Spammer won’t pay, but 99% of you wouldn’t either.
  2. remove the entire membership/sign in process entirely.  This would remove a big part of the mechanism spammers use to gain access but it also leaves all my  content (which I work so hard to produce) wide open.
  3. shut the site down and move my content over to one of the social media platforms, where security is ~their~issue and not mine

I won’t ask for your opinion on this because .. well, you know.  But I thought I’d mention this here to ask you for your patience when logging in, and ask that you report any issues you encounter to me in case I made a mistake while trying to repel the hackers.

SeleenaK_0735sOn a personal note,  my circle of friends is holding it’s own.  Not growing, not shrinking.  Some acquaintances, it seems, are not impressed by the way I present myself in a casual setting and it’s been mentioned to me twice in the past month.   Both times it felt very judgmental.  I have a couple genetic women friends who are also judged regularly when in public because they’re just not sloppy or plain enough for the no makeup, sweat pants and flip-flop crowd.  Oh well.  My real friends like me as I am.

Silly as it may sound, I’m okay being judged by the uninformed, or the religious, or up-tight public at large but I just can’t deal with it coming from within the community.   So I wish them well but I disengage.

I’m going to miss the First Event conference in Boston in January because of a  family commitment which I’m really, really looking forward to. But I’ll  be at Keystone again this year in March.  I don’t do casual well enough (lol) for the Spring Fling crowd so I’ll probably skip their May event.  Yet Scarlett’s Maine Event in Ogunquit Maine will be a definite ‘yes!’.

My darling and I just might do another mega roadtrip across the US again.  If I do, I’ll try to visit with a few of you along the way.

And finally, I looking forward to spending more time with my friends Pauline, Dianne and Dea.  Let’s all put on our dancing shoes .. and not dance at all.   hehe

2016 is looking like a fun year!

Happy New Year from my family to yours!

Transgender Day of Remembrance – 2015

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17Once again, a tough year for the trans community.

But I’m unable to find the numbers to back this up as I have done in the past.

I had high expectations for increasingly accurate numbers going forward but the last tracking initiative’s website .. the one financed with Kickstarter dollars .. isn’t responding on the eve of TDOR.

Although my cynical nature tells me that many would rather hide the ugly numbers than publish results of a near devastating year for trans people, I have no proof of this.  But GLAAD, who I personally believe has been the most honest and reasonable when  reporting trans issues, has said that violent deaths of trans people in the US has risen 50 percent over 2014.

From the numbers I was able to find, Brazil is once again the leader in violent trans deaths.  But it appears the US is next in the order.  Mysteriously, Mexico, who was in the second spot, is not on the list at all this year

But as always, the 20-29 year old age range is the hardest hit group, and girls of colour were most at risk.

Some activists are stating that the number of trans murders hasn’t increased at all; it’s just that the reporting has improved.  but what’s an activist going to say?  That they suck at everything except patting themselves on the back?   I honestly believe we take two steps backwards for every one step forward.

Jenner .. didn’t help.

The US Prez .. didn’t help.

Beck .. didn’t help.

Hollywood didn’t help.

Hate crime laws didn’t help.

Even Cox didn’t help.

And the LGB’s still want to disassociate themselves with the T.  (I hope to discuss this further in a separate blog post)

Can’t blame them.  We’re not very good at gaining acceptance.  And when our sisters are dying at an increasing rate, we’re able to lay blame but are unable to feel remorse or responsibility.

Please take a moment today, to think about the transgender people who have lost their lives this year, often just because they were transgender.

UPDATE:  20th Nov 2015 11:45 am EDT

Better numbers are starting to appear for 2015.  Here’s a table of what I was able to find.  The good news is that Brazil is down to 96 from 154 in 2014 but sadly Mexico is up to 37 from 28 and the USA is up to 21 from 14.

Brazil 96
Mexico 37
Colombia 22
USA 21
El Salvador 14
Argentina 12
Ecuador 7
Venezuela 7
Pakistan 6
Honduras 4
India 4
Cuba 3
Peru 3
Chile 2
Philippines 2
Turkey 2
Uruguay 2
Austria 1
Canada 1
Dominican Republic 1
Guyana 1
Italy 1
Netherlands 1
Spain 1
UK 1

Remembrance Day 2015

As I do each year, I’ve once again chosen a video message for Remembrance Day 2015.    Remembering those who fought for our freedom  a century ago feels more important as the years go by,  and as our society goes further down the dumper.

Remembrance Day is a memorial day observed in Commonwealth of Nations member states since the end of the First World War to remember the members of their armed forces who have died in the line of duty.  ~ Wikipedia

The videos is only 1:30. Please find a quiet time to watch it.  And please consider joining me for a moment of silence at the eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month.

Marriage Equality, Batman, and Jenner

an early morning walkA couple things have been on my mind so I thought I should write them down.  Because, god forbid, I should forget them and be unable to rehash them over and over  in my head ad nauseum.

First off, congrats to all the same sex couples pondering marriage in the US.! Finally!  It’s unfortunate that this  came down the way it did but it’s still a good thing .. kinda.   Your country is even further divided now but as long as we’re on the side that “won”,  we’re happy, yes?

I know many of you don’t see things this way but using the hashtag #LoveWins implies that someone lost.   And, honestly, that’s not a good way to look at this.  Celebrate, but don’t construct a loser.

Another thing I’ve been seeing lots lately in tgirl monologues;  an increasing number of girls in my circle are once again referring to themselves in the third person.  You know, “I went out as Jennifer“. Or “… it’s all about being Stephanie“.   Or “they finally met Lisa“.

Seriously, unless you consider this a costume, you didn’t go out AS anyone.  You are you, even though many of you sometimes present in girl mode or guy mode.

But I once went out as Batman.  And no one took me seriously either.

And lastly,  the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing continues to go down the path I predicted.  Her net worth is increasing dramatically while she continues to make fluff transgender statements in her lingerie.

A few in the trans community have caught on, but the rest continue to ride her bandwagon.   So I’m going to make another prediction.  Emotional instability, or even worse, for Ms Jenner in the near future.

She still seems very uncomfortable with her new reality.   It’s time for her to leave the public eye to internalize and reflect under the watchful eye of a good therapist.

But if you’re going to stay out there, please don’t speak on my behalf.

Yay Ireland!

"Panti Drag Queen" by Tbrambo - I took this photo at Pantibar in the presence of Panti.. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons -
“Panti Drag Queen” by Tbrambo – I took this photo at Pantibar in the presence of Panti.. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons –

This is the coolest thing to happen in a long time.  Not just what happened but how it happened is what makes it so perfect.

As you might remember, I’ve been a huge fan of Rory O’Neill, aka Panti Bliss, the Irish drag queen who made that very passionate speech at the national theater of Ireland,  the Abbey, that went viral.  I wrote about that speech here in 2014.

My point at the time was that she seemed to have captured the hearts of both sides of the gay/same sex issues at a time when the Irish government was struggling.

She captured those hearts because she was eloquent, articulate, spoke from the heart, all while looking her prettiest. (Yes, appearance DOES matter.)

Legalization of same sex marriage became her mission and the end game played out via a referendum vote in Ireland on Friday May 22, 2015. It seemed she was making progress at the time but it wasn’t possible to know just how much progress she was making.

Oh sure, there are many heroes in Ireland right now as everyone celebrates but Ms Bliss ranks at the top of the list, in my opinion.

The Irish movement did it with charm.  With personality.  With poise.  By sincerely allowing everyone a peek into the heart and soul of nice people in an oppressive culture.

And they did it with humility and without demonizing those who didn’t understand.

When the referendum results were announced, it brought a tear to my eye to see Ireland join my country (and others) in acknowledging that love knows no gender.

Here’s Panti’s speech again:

America could learn from this.  Calling out the ‘other side’ as monsters, and trying to hide behind the same constitution so many are willing to trash just isn’t working, and y’all know it.

Charm often works better than muscle in changing societal perceptions.   It’s not about intelligence, university degrees, high priced lawyers or a heroic past life.

In my opinion, if I can get you to like  me, you’re very likely to support me.  And being liked by those who already support the cause is of little value in moving things forward.  Being perceived as likeable to those who don’t support is paramount to getting things done.  Keisling, Boylan, Beck, Jenner, et al. need to understand this.

Bravo Ireland!  As I’ve always said, first we change societal opinion; then we create the laws to protect those changes.  It just doesn’t work the other way.

Sir? Ma’am?

SeleenaK_8091sFBA recent comment from a friend got me thinking.  I know .. I shouldn’t do that.

She was bewildered about how she’s treated when visiting a particular city.  You know, the “sinful” city in the US desert southwest. I’ll paraphrase her comment.  “I get all dressed up, makeup, hair and they refer to me as “sir”.  Back home, I do much less appearance prep and am most often referred to as “ma’am”.

I’ll separate out the part of her comment that related to “dignity and respect” because I find that particularly troublesome, and will address it later.

But for now, I think most of you would agree that gender perception is a basic human function and doesn’t change when entering a particular city limits.  Yes, some people will “make” us and will address us as the ‘wrong’ gender to be insulting or to show disapproval but, for the most part, I don’t think people put that much effort into a casual, public encounter.

I wanted to tell her to just look in the mirror.  When moving outside our normal circle, it’s not uncommon that we do things differently.  Behavior and appearance often change to suit what we determine are the circumstances.   Look .. in .. the .. mirror.  It’s all there.

But what do I know?  I learn by observation and work hard to be addressed as the gender I appear but have no delusions that I’m fooling anyone, and am okay with being referred to by the wrong pronoun.  And frankly, being “ma’am’d” when I’m in guy mode would just never happen  to me.

And to her comment that being called “sir” failed to treat her with  “dignity and respect”, this attitude, in a nutshell, it’s why we continue to struggle for acceptance.  We need to “get real” if we expect others to take us seriously.

People are visual creatures but their abilities are not so well honed that they can see the gender we feel in our hearts.   For that, we need to provide some solid visual clues.  And accept responsibility when we fail to do that.

Facebook Still Confuses Me

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17I think I’ve been a Facebook person since 2007 or 2008, and although very little surprises me in life, my own reaction to Facebook continues to confuse me.  I know what I should do, yet I find it so difficult.

First off, social media has evolved into a place where seeking ego massages or  “preaching to the choir” is the reason most belong.

I suppose, in life,  we  all tend to congregate with those who’s view we share but if you’re looking for support for your cause, only a coward would ask for support from those we already know support us.  Does that make sense?

For example, let’s say I’m an advocate for the better treatment of animals.  Would it not make sense that I should plead my case to a group who might be known for poor treatment of animals?  Let’s face it, pleading my case to the SPCA is a waste of time, since they already share my feelings.  And continually showing the SPCA folks how badly animals are sometimes treated serves no purpose (they already know) except to possibly throw their views of life out of balance.

Likewise, if it’s about politics, go to the other side to try to obtain support; to possibly convert someone from an opposing ideology instead of whining continually to those who already share your views.

If you feel that a particular politician is an idiot, tell him! Tell his followers!  Discuss!  Argue!  But telling those of us who already feel that way just adds a ton of negativity with no chance for meaningful discussion that could possible change opinions.

PREACH TO THE CONVERTED (THE CHOIR) – Propound an argument to people who already support it. ~

So why am I telling you this?  Well, social media, in general, and Facebook, in particular, has become a bit of a downer for me, mainly for the reason I just mentioned.  I just ran out of tolerance for hearing the same cowardly complaints, over and over again, directed at the wrong audience.

So I started looking at my Friends list and found that I had almost never “unfriended” anyone  but rather kept them as friends yet “unfollowed” them, thereby not seeing anything they post unless it’s in direct response to something I, or another “followed” friend had posted.   Quite cowardly, isn’t it?

Because those who continually make your day unpleasant are really unlikely to be someone you’d want to spend time with .. online or in person.

Maybe I’m just too pragmatic.  But your need to vent doesn’t trump my need to smile.  Unless you’re a close friend.

Then I’m here for you.

Poking the Bear

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17Yep, there are more than a few metaphors that warn of the same hazard. My grandma used to say that “if you play with the bull, you’ll get the horns”.  And there’s lots of truth in that.

I’ve blogged in the past about how “indifference” is our friend, and how backing someone into a corner to where they’re forced to take a side is rarely a good idea. But feel compelled to rehash the same old story.

It’s been said that 80% of the world thinks similarly about the basics of life. Ten percent think on each of the extreme ends of the spectrum. And they’re, of course, the most vocal. I tend to believe the ratio is more like 90-5-5.

And we, as social creatures, tend to like to feel part of a group and therefore are easily coaxed onto a bandwagon. Push something … anything .. in our faces and we feel the need to react, and the bandwagon seems safe.

I’ll give an example. Many of us eat meat yet prefer to remain blind to how that meat is produced. To us, meat just magically appears at the grocery store and we’re happy with that. Yes, we have an distant idea how the animal was raised, how it was slaughtered, it’s “feelings” or lack thereof … and we’re content. Some choose to avoid animal products and others are content using or eating them, and this issue isn’t stressing society.

But force us spend some time on a ranch or at a slaughterhouse and our feelings will likely change. We’ll either be more appreciative of the meat on our plate or we’ll be repulsed by it. But we’ll almost certainly move from the comfortable 80 percent.

I think the same thing applies to sexual orientation and gender identity.  And yes, I do know they’re not connected.

Should two guys be allowed to get married? The 80 percent would say “whatever works for them” but force someone to watch romantic displays of affection or that couple’s private sexual moments and most would fall out of the 80 percent. Some would say “it’s sexy and beautiful!” and would become proponents while others would find it repulsive.

In my opinion, the same is true with issues of race, religion and trans issues, to name a few.

But, contrary to the approach most of my activist friends are taking, I believe it’s important to keep that 80 percent right where they are .. in the zone of indifference. They don’t embrace but they are tolerant. Yet we get on the bandwagon at very opportunity to push our issues to the forefront. The latest move in this direction is the Planet Fitness story, and it’s damaging and further polarizing society.

It was an isolated incident at an isolated location, and was dealt with however that particular company chose to deal with it. It didn’t deserve a national spotlight. But pushing it there was like poking the bear. People who would have happily existed in the indifferent 80% are now referring to us as “freakazoids” and worse. And we are belittling them for it.

Can anyone suggest a single occasion where belittling an opponent has won a battle? Does this foster the “live and let live” atmosphere that’s so important to our safety?

But the biggest problem I have with this is that the bullshit that’s rampant in other parts of the world is now starting to infiltrate my beloved Canada. For many decades we have been very tolerant and forward-thinking, even though most of our US friends would never acknowledge this.

We have a reasonable,welcoming immigration policy, healthcare for all and have acknowledged same sex marriages federally for more than a decade. Our “red necks” are barely pink. Yet we now have a senator who has proposed an amendment to a non-discrimination bill (Bill C-279) that would, in fact, discriminate against trans women (not trans guys.. only trans women) as it relates to bathroom usage.  And the proposed bill didn’t die immediately.

This would not be happening if we took better care of the 80 percent.  Nor would it have happened ever 5 years ago.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  First you change the culture and then you introduce legislation to protect that culture.

Damn you, America, and damn you, activists! By attacking and belittling those who don’t yet understand, you’re setting us up for a battle we can’t possibly win, and you’re making the world a more hateful place by drawing a line in the sand.

Forget about changing society for a moment.  Think small.  Think about your own family and friends.  You want and need their acceptance, yes?  So how do you go about gaining that?  Do you quote legislation?  Do you impose new ules?  Do you call them bigots?  Do you belittle them?  Do you call them intolerant?

One last quote from grandma .. “you’ll catch more bees with honey than you will with vinegar”. Yet y’all continue to spew vinegar and continue to poke the bear.

I just hope it bites your tranny ass and not mine.

Trans News Out of Hollywood Could Be ‘Jenner-cide” for Our Cause

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17Here I go again … seeing the world from a totally different angle than so many of my peers.  Tell me you think I’m wrong but please don’t hate me for my opinion.

The bandwagon is once again overloaded.  Since the news that Bruce Jenner might be transgender hit the tabloids several months ago, much of the trans community has been piling on.  Wishful thinking, maybe, that having an all-American guy transition would be as good for the transgender movement as it was when a US Navy SEAL went public.

But this one is very, very different.  Jenner is part of a group of attention whores who, unlike the Olympic Decathlon gold medal winner himself, have little reason to be in the spotlight at all.

Now, honestly, for most transitioning there is an awkward stage.  It’s that time when the male existence has been left behind yet the female appearance, with help from hormone or surgery, just hasn’t kicked in yet.

Most who transition with dignity keep a low profile at that awkward time if they have the financial means to do so.  Emotional transition may have occurred but appearance wise, we’re somewhat in between.  And to be honest, it’s a time when we are least likely to gain the compassion of the uninformed..

So Jenner, who likely has access to funds and image management we could only dream of, takes the long road to transition.  No disguising girly look.  Just facial hair removal, a trachea shave and nail polish .. and the tabloids likely had a field day searching for, and publishing, only the weirdest photos they had access to.

Let’s face it.  Bruce Jenner was handsome guy, and, post transition, you can be sure she will be an attractive woman, but that time in between is, dare I say this, unsettling to the mainstream eye.

In my opinion, by the way Jenner is handling things, I get the feeling that this is just as much about greed and money as it is about moving on with life as her true self.  And here’s why:

  • no celebrity leaves home without an appearance strategy; “no one will see me” is never a strategy.  Be cute; be funny, draw compassion; but when the ugly comments far surpass the kind, it might be time to change the strategy
  • Jenner’s news, and upcoming interview with Diane Sawyer, is ramping up during the February ratings period.
  • The ‘mixed emotion’ comments coming from the Kardashian kids is perfect, salable drama

But it all came off the tracks.  The photos circulating are very unflattering and appear to be of a person who  is not moving from male to female but who is struggling to find a place somewhere in the middle.  And with a very uncomfortable scowl that reeks of tension; not someone who is happy to finally be true to themselves.

Those of us who have had friends transition know the “glow” that suddenly appears when the emotional bridge has been crossed.

The cruel, demeaning online comments about his “secret” situation are outnumbering the non-judgmental by 100 to 1 (my best estimate, of course).  

So am I judging?  I suppose I am, because in the world of Cox, Mock, Beck, Prakash, Pejic et al, this was the big one.  The one that, if simply done with the respect and dignity almost all of us seek, could have not only opened the door but ripped the door of it’s hinges.  And instead it will become a circus that will invariably make some wealthy person even lots wealthier, while the rest of us will appear to the general public to be even freakier than we are.  *winks*

As I write this, news has just hit that Jenner has been involved in a motor vehicle crash that has taken someone’s life, quite possibly while being followed by trans-celeb-chasing paparazzi.  OMG.

So, in closing, rumour has it that Bruce will be using the girl name Caitlyn or Kaitlyn.  In the Kardashian world where every woman has a first name that starts with the letter “K” , would anyone like to bet that Ms. Jenner will choose the “K” version of that first name?

If you want to be supportive of Jenner in transition, I’m cool with that.  But don’t give me any bullshit about it being good for the trans community.  Because, in my opinion, it’s not.

Bruce Jenner was a Gold Medal Winner in the 1976 summer Olympics held in Montreal
Laverne Cox is an American actress, reality television star, television producer, and LGBT advocate
Janet Mock is an American writer, transgender rights activist, author
Kristin Beck is a former United States Navy SEAL who gained public attention in 2013 when she came out as a trans woman
Padmini Prakash has become India's first transgender to anchor a daily television news show
Andreja Pejic is a transgender Australian model of  Bosnian Croat and Bosnian Serb ethnicity.

By Name, Please


When we meet or see someone we know someone in person, do we address them by name?  I think so.

Yet online, so many don’t take the time.  I get emails that start “Hello,”  or “hi”.  No “Hello Seleena” or “Hi Bimbo”.. hehe.

I paid good money for this name, and would like to get my money’s worth! ~Seleena K

I’m not a grammar snob or an etiquette freak but not calling me by name makes everything that follows seem very impersonal and insincere.   Kinda like you have a whole bunch of template emails and instead of communicating with me specifically, you use copy-and-paste.

If I’m guilty of doing this and making you feel that way, please call me on it but I have a feeling you won’t find many examples.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Transgender Day of Remembrance

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17I’m not a hateful person .. I’m really not. It’s just that as the years go by, things start to become a little clearer for me.  As the clock continues to wind down on this bimbo, I realize that ideals are wonderful but they don’t count for much when the rubber hits the road.

My so-called liberal-progressive friends grab on to the Transgender Day of Remembrance concept, turn up the drama and milk it for all it’s worth.  And it makes me crazy.

For those of you who may not be aware, The Transgender Day of Remembrance is “celebrated” every year on November 20th.  It’s a day to memorialize trans people who died violently in the previous year, simply for being trans.

But let me back up just a little.  One death is too many deaths.  This is indisputable.  And, yes, memorializing those who’s lives were taken simply because they were trans might be an honorable thing to do.  But in the ideological mind, there is no desire or need to understand the tragic data.  To them, there’s a very high-level, abstract feeling in the concept, so they run with it.

My mind just doesn’t work that way.  Partly because I’m analytical and partly because I feel responsible for my own safety.  I need to understand the risks to me and to those close to me, and to do this, raising a flag and making a speech to raise awareness falls horribly short.

Were these murders committed on my street? I’m my town? In my country? And were the victims cautious folks who avoided dangerous areas and risky behavior? Who killed them?  Friends? Family? Strangers?  “Clients”?  And why?  I don’t need to know how they died.  “Skinned alive”, “shot 3 times in the face”.  Even the most humane termination of life for this reason is horrific to me.  But for those so inclined, knowing how it happened does help feed the drama.

Maturity starts, when drama ends.  ~ Melchor Lim

This is where I get accused of “victim blaming” but that’s not what I’m doing.

No one deserves to die!  There are no actions or lifestyle choices that put the blame on the victim.  I’m just trying to understand what went so horribly wrong so I can try to protect myself and do my best to guide others away from danger.  Do I need to live in fear each and every day of my life  or can I feel reasonably comfortable by knowing what places or behaviors to avoid and what the danger signs in others might be?

This year’s sad number is 268.  268 transgender murders were reported worldwide.  One can only assume the number is higher since gathering numbers for the whole world is something even the WHO struggles with.

But let’s talk about the data.  Or better still, let me explain the detail I was able to find.

  • Of 268 murders, 154 (57%) were committed in Brazil. Yep .. again.  Over half the trans deaths in the entire world happened in Brazil.  Add in Mexico’s 31 (12%) and the United States 14 (5%) – the top three countries – and we account for 75% of all transgender murders worldwide.

My country, Canada, is usually not on the list at all but this year was the exception.  Two trans women were murder in 2014 in the same city – Edmonton.   Ironic side note here:  One of the reported victims was described as a very prominent drag queen.  Most of the trans community doesn’t normally consider drag queens as trans folk but when the opportunity presents itself to bump up the stats, drag queens suddenly become trans folk.

  • The 19-29 age bracket was the most victimized group.
  • a large number of victims were sex trade workers
  • some on the list were there due to speculation and hear-say as opposed to involvement in a documented hate crime

But does anyone care about the 154 Brazilian’s who died unnecessarily?  “Of course!  We care about everyone!” says the bandwagon, but posting an ‘in memoriam’ photo, attending a flag raising or expressing sadness (sniff, sniff) in the social media world does little to help the 150-ish Brazilian trans folks who will likely die before the next Day of Remembrance.

Please, bandwagon people, let’s work on real, substantial ways to end the bloodshed in Brazil, Mexico and the United States, for starters.  I don’t want to be memorialized on November 20th and I’m guessing you don’t either.




additional information and my reference numbers can be found at:

Remembrance Day 2014

As you may already know, I truly believe that without the heroic efforts of those who fought and continue to fight, both then and now, we would not have the freedom that exists today.

And I know that many of you out there honestly think we’ve always gone to war chasing “the boogie man”.

But on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, I’ll put my right hand over my heart and observe a moment of silence.  Because it’s Remembrance Day here in Canada.  And I believe it’s important.

Here is a video tribute to those Canadians who gave so selflessly of themselves.  Please take a few minutes to view it.

Thank you to Jonathan Wagner – for the beautiful piece.


And lastly, a small crowd spontaneously singing our National Anthem at the Canadian War Memorial where Cpl. Nathan Cirillo was fatally shot by a masked terrorist less than a month ago.

Are Transgender Conferences Fading?

The last few years have brought about some changes in the world of transgender conferences.  And it’s a little concerning to those of us who enjoy attending this type of event.

After 10 or 15 years of status quo, the first thing to shake the tree was the disappearance of  the Be-All conference in Chicago.  Although where were rumors of infighting and mismanagement, most of us will never know why the management team decided to call it quits.

Most recently, the Southern Comfort Conference organizers announced they’re moving the event from Atlanta to Weston Florida in the Fort Lauderdale area.  It was no surprise, really, that changes were necessary but I always thought the location was the best thing about SCC.  I loved that hotel!

When I was there in 2013, the only three ‘seminars’ that even remotely appealed to me were all cancelled on the ‘day of’, and it seemed we were in charge of making our own fun.  Generally speaking, I came away wondering what exactly I had paid for.  My response to a request for post-event comments was met with hostility because I had negative observations and no suggestions for improvement.  Improvement, for me, is to stop giving them my money.

The organizing team are presenting positive attitude after announcing the change but we all know they must be concerned.  In spite of some pretty decent media coverage, the move isn’t being very well received except by those who live in Florida.

Gal’s Spring Fling, here in Ontario, might also be on the chopping block.  The organization of the event is in the hands of a single person who seems to have lost the energy to continue.  Time will tell but I would expect an announcement in a few months.

From my observations, it appears that Keystone Conference, First Event, Colorado Gold Rush and Erie Sisters Gala are all doing well and growing.  Although there are many other events, I can’t comment if I’m not aware of them.

Fantasia Fair is a big question mark for me.  Although it appears to have very loyal attendees, the clique and attitude is best suited to the mature transgender to the extent that young trans folk might not feel welcome.

It appears they’re struggling to find a suitable location in Provincetown to accommodate current attendee numbers for their Saturday night gala so maybe growing the numbers isn’t desirable.  But who will be there, in the not too distant future, when the small and aging crowd can no longer attend?

So, in summary, I have to wonder if large, all encompassing transgender events have run their course.  Back in the days when most of us were forced to remain stealth, getting together occasionally with like-minded spirits was huge.   And that enormity was a motivator for organizers.   These days, with Girl’s Night Out’s and Pub Nights happening monthly in many areas, the need for large gatherings has lessened; similar, maybe, to the effect that small casinos have had on Las Vegas.

I just returned from Fantasia Fair and will review this year’s conference in a separate blog post.  But the highlight of my year will continue to be the Keystone Conference in the spring.

Please, Keystone organizers … don’t change a thing!

Why Must Race Always Be An Issue?

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17I’ve been called a liar when I explain my childhood and my feelings about race.  But it’s just the way it’s always been for me.

I grew up in a Canadian middle class neighborhood in a border town that was very ethnically, racially and culturally diverse. In almost all of the neighboring families, the parents were not born in Canada, like mine were, although I thought most of the kids were born here.  Add to this mix, an endless stream of tourists from all over the world and you might have an idea what it was like.

Many of the parents either worked directly in the tourist industry or worked at something closely related.

Our neighborhood was made up of modest but relatively new homes.  Behind us, lived a Japanese family; beside them, Bulgarians.  Beside us were Irish on the right and Czechoslovakians on the left; and beside them, a black family, then a Scottish family.  Across the street, Hungarian, Hispanic, German and Jewish. Oh, and there was a large Italian family with a son who was cool – older than me, so not in my circle of friends – but I always thought he spoke and acted like a girl.

It’s funny that as I write this, my point of reference is the wonderful  food the families were able to make.  You see, growing up in my world, the only difference I was aware of between families was the smells emanating from homes at meal time.

People were people; the nice one’s were nice and the nasty one’s were nasty.  It was that simple to me and still is.

But the thing most unique about that one Italian family was that they seemed to always put ethnicity first.  And maybe this is the reason they seemed to be somewhat isolated in the neighborhood.

The reason I’m telling you this now is to try to  come to terms with my feelings today.  These days, people seem more inclined that ever to want to isolated based on things like race, ethnicity or religion.

Recently, a fabulous blogger I follow on social media, shared a gorgeous photo of a very beautiful woman in fabulous lingerie.  It was originally posted by a person or entity who calls themselves”Black Pin-up Models”.

Reading the word “Black” in front of Pin Up Models changed that photo from a beautiful pic of a gorgeous woman into something less.

BLACK Pinup Models?  In 2014? Really. An account based on race that’s restricted to black stuff?  This still makes me very uncomfortable.  I just don’t see why this is necessary nor why it’s accepted and propagated, especially by those who profess to be  so inclusive.

In the post-Pearl Harbor decade, I could only have imagined how things would have changed in the old ‘hood if our new Japanese neighbors had felt the need to start a “Japanese whatever Club”or if the black family felt the need to celebrate their race by starting a Black anything organization.

Yes, I’m naive, I suppose.  And yes, I suppose many attended gatherings that only included others of the same ethnicity or racial group but in the big melting pot, we melted!

The US has always thought differently than the other cultural melting pot to it’s north.  NAACP? Black Entertainment Television?  Really?

No matter how much good these entities do, in my heart I honestly believe they isolate.  They build a wall.

My childhood friend, Rosemary, was just my friend Rosemary.  She was never my black friend Rosemary. Not to me.  EVER.  And my heart still struggles to go there today, even though society seems determined to draw lines.

And, sadly, the US seems determined, since 2008, the further divide – not only by skin color or ethnicity but by political ideology.

If someone asked me to describe my friend, I would have said she was about my height, pretty, solid build, dimples when she smiled, dark eyes and dark hair that she usually wore in a semi ‘fro and very dark skin.

I know … “bullshit, Seleena” but it’s true!  “Very dark skin”.

In my neighborhood, the Japanese family wasn’t held responsible for Pearl Harbor.  The German folks weren’t automatically Nazi’s and the Italian’s weren’t fascists. The Jews, the Catholics, the Baptists and the Buddhists were all buds.  We went to different places to worship but so what?  And we learned about, and helped to celebrate, each other’s holidays.

People are people, or at least they were.

This is why try so hard to avoid exclusionary advocacy groups and have never been able to jump on anyone’s bandwagon.

Black folks, if you need to build exclusionary walls, have fun but this girl can’t join you.  Trans people, calling each other “sisters”, is a lame attempt to build a family but it really just advances exclusionary thinking, and this is why I so often struggle with those groups too.  Calling me a “sister” probably distanced others within ear shot and sometimes my spouse is that person.

And to that young lady online,  as long as you remain unable to understand that the black banner throws race into the face of us who’ve only ever thought of you as a woman, you’re correct – you will be nothing more than “that black girl”.

And please don’t use words like “demoralizing”,”micro-aggressions”, “undervalued” to someone who risks physical harm or worse whenever she steps outside in your country.  You’re not making history, lady.  Many of us would gladly accept those travesties if we felt it increased our chances of returning home safely.

You’ve tried to make me feel like a bad person and have talked down to me, simply because I struggle with your baggage, and that just doesn’t work.

Tonight, you lost a huge ally, whether you can understand it or not.

Rest in Peace, Robin WIlliams

Robin_Williams_2011a_(2)The news of Robin Williams’ sudden death has shocked much of the world.  Tragic for us, certainly, but it brings peace now to a tormented soul.

I can say that I wasn’t surprised, but you probably wouldn’t believe me.  Yet those of us non-medical folks who study human nature know the signs all to well.

Being the constant buffoon, the life of the party, a party animal .. is almost always the sign of a spirit in distress.  John Belushi, Freddy Prinze,  Lenny Bruce, Chris Farley  .. all led troubled lives on the inside, (in my opinion) even though they appeared to be having way too much fun.

Although I feel absolutely terrible for everyone close to him, I don’t pity Robin Williams at all.  I’m a firm believer that for some, suicide is a reasonable solution.  And I trust that it was the right solution for him.

I’m sorry if that offends you or if you think less of me for saying this but pain just can’t continue, for anyone, indefinitely.  It’s just not fair.

And to the old cliche that “suicide is the coward’s way out”, I say bullshit.  I think it takes a huge amount of commitment and resolve to do the deed, knowing painfully well how negatively impacted close friends and family will be.

Let’s respect his fateful decision, forget how he left us and remember only the joy he brought to all of us.

Thank you, Mr Williams, for brightening the world of so many others, and for so many years.

Here’s a must read from David Wong on the topic at .  Quite possibly, the  most honest words written on the topic.  Don’t take what I think too seriously but please do yourself a favor and read David’s article.  It just might give you some insight into someone in your life.


Use of the image at the top of this article:  “Robin Williams 2011a (2)” by Eva Rinaldi → Flickr: Robin Williams – →This file has been extracted from another image: File:Robin Williams 2011a.jpg.. Licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons –

A Very Vocal and Suprisingly Tiny Minority

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17No, I’m not referring to transgender people.  We are an even smaller group and we’re far from vocal.

Survey numbers are in the news this morning regarding the number of people in the USA who identify as gay, lesbian or bi-sexual and they’re surprisingly low.   The latest data suggests that just under 2 percent of Americans identify as gay or lesbian.

We’ve been scammed again!  Haha!!

The goal of activists in any tiny minority is to make themselves appear more significant that they really are and it appears the gay rights community has done a fabulous job in this area.

According to Statistics Canada’s 2011 report “Same-sex couples accounted for 0.8% of all couples in 2011.” ~ 2011 Census of Population: families, households, marital status, structural type of dwelling, collectives

While activists have been claiming, officially, that between 5 and 10 percent of Americans are gay/lesbian, they’ve somehow managed to get the public to exaggerate those numbers to the extreme.  Back in 2011, a Gallup poll found that Americans believe that as many as 25 percent of their fellow citizens are homosexual.  With all the attention same sex marriage has received in the last few years, I’m guessing that this percentage is even higher now.

It’s always been believed that the numbers of transgender people … from CD/TV’s to TS’s … has been small compared to gays/lesbians. So if the gay prevalence is really under 2 percent, the trans numbers are probably in the .2 range.  And that makes me feel special 🙂20140123_145610

While I do believe the number of transsexual folk is really that low, I firmly believe that the number of people who dress up somewhat regularly, to varying degrees and in public or private, is very high.  But we, as a group, often struggle with how to label ourselves when asked.  And many of us evolve, making labeling quite difficult.

Old joke: Question: What the  difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual?  Answer: about 5 years

There’s also a large segment of “us” who are now, and will always, remain totally invisible. There’s just no way a big burly guy, totally masculine to the outside world, is going to tell Gallup or any government census about his affinity for wearing women’s panties.

So there ya go.  A group who is so quick to demonize the financial one percent, mostly because they’re so small in number yet so large in relevance, has, in fact, acquired a whole lot of support and consideration, maybe not based on the notion that everyone deserves equal treatment but by making the demographic appear larger and more relevant than it is.

Success is success, I suppose.

Your thoughts?

A Window into the Soul?

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17I expressed disappointment to a close friend about the online behavior of a someone I would soon be meeting at an in-person event.  “But he’s really a nice person.  You’ll see when you meet him” she said.

Without having met him, I already know how wrong her observation is.  When we’re out in public, we’re on our best behavior.  For almost everyone, it’s something that’s easy to do for a relatively short period of time.  We’re in the “make a good impression” mindset.  We can guess at how long a time we’ll spend in the presence of others and therefore know how long we’ll have to “be nice”.  We get mentally prepared.

But we rarely get mentally prepared for the time we spend online.  We’re online doing email, chatting and posting when we’re happy, sad, wide awake, very sleepy, feeling great, feeling bad, and when we’re comfortably unprepared.  And these varying states of mind allow the real “us” to appear.

Nice people shine and not-so-nice people are exposed.  Me included.

So don’t give me any of that “it’s hard to know what someone is like without hearing their voice inflections and seeing their body language” nonsense.

Read the words and watch for repetitive behaviors.  Ninety-nine percent of the time, your feeling will be correct.  And you need to be able to write off the one percent because my imperfect theory had probably kept you safe .. physically and emotionally.

Trust your eyes and your brain.  Rationalizing and wishful thinking will get you in trouble.  And we, in the transgender world, are often the most susceptible;  the most needy of attention and affection.

It’s often been said that they eyes,  the heart, or the smile is a window into the soul.  But I believe it’s really that plastic, electronics-filled box in front of you.

The online personality you see in there is a window into a person’s soul.

Time Magazine Cover Girl Laverne Cox

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17They’re saying she “has emerged as the public leader of the trans movement”.  Others are saying that any publicity is good publicity.  But as you might expect, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Laverne Cox, star of the Netflix show Orange is the New Black, is a sweetie and a wonderful actress but she’s just a girl who happens to be transgender.  Did she volunteer to become the “public leader” Time declares her to be?  Does she even want the role?  She has an acting career and a lifestyle that goes with it.

Her story is a story we’ve heard a million times .. always knew she was a girl, bullied and harassed as a child, yadda, yadda .. but it’s a story that much of the mainstream world will be hearing for the first time.  And you know what they  say about the importance of first impressions? They’re important!

Strategy.  Make no moves without a strategy.  This is a mantra that served me well in the corporate world as well as my personal life and I think it applies to our quest for acceptance.  And with Ms Cox’s appearance in Time, we’re making a move, but if a strategy exists, it’s coming from a journalist.

“You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression”. ~ author unverifiable

Her interview is nice but certainly not that of a leader … at least not in my opinion.  Here are some partial quotes that sound Obama-like and lack the leadership qualities necessary to win over the uninformed world:

“I think what they need to understand is …”

“That’s what people need to understand … “

“People need to be willing to let go of what they think they know…”

“… they need to get to know us as human beings…”

“… you need to look at yourself ..”

Notice the word she uses over and over again?  “Need“.   I hate to inform Laverne but people don’t need to do anything.  Their life and their world feels just fine to them without understanding and accepting us.   Meet people face-to-face for the first time and tell them they need to know us as human beings and see how many friends you make.

We need.  We need a spokesperson who comes at the world with a respectful attitude.  A kind, likeable, attractive person, both in appearance and in spirit, who can get into the hearts of all she connects with.  Logic doesn’t work.  Rhetoric doesn’t work.  Demanding rights doesn’t work.  Helping the masses to want to accept us is the way to make things happen for us.

Tell me I’m naive and I’ll tell you the proof is in the pudding.  The LGB’s have left us behind in a cloud of dust.

Once again, I long for a Panti Bliss type personality to move to the forefront and lead us into an accepting world.   I love Laverne Cox but I’m afraid she is not that person.

The La Perla Mannequin Controversy

The high end lingerie retailer La Perla got in trouble recently for using an extremely thin mannequin in a New York store.  Both a customer and a Truth in Advertizing advocate complained, and within hours, the mannequin was removed and an apology issued.

Here’s an article about the drama in British Vogue called La Perla’s Mannequin Drama

Even a Facebook post by my favourite lingerie blogger asked the question “Do you find this mannequin offensive?”

Woah.  Wait just a minute there.  If this was a large body style mannequin, could we even ask that question?  The world would freak.

And what about if you have a body type just like, or similar to, that of the thin mannequin?  Vogue, a top lingerie blogger and a lingerie brand has either acknowledged or has entertained the concept that your body type is offensive?  They just can’t do that.

Forum discussions included reader comments about the Holocaust, eating disorders and starvation.  In my opinion, it’s no different that discussing a plus sized mannequin and making references to low self-esteem, junk food or lack of healthy lifestyle choices.  Not true and fair!!

If you read my nonsense, you know I’m not a big fan of critical correctness but sheesh.   When those who are super sensitive start getting hypocritical, I feel the need to speak up.

Truth in Advertizing dude,  which body-type segment of the buying public are you trying to protect?  Ye Who Is Addicted to Lingerie, your “No Body Snark” rule might have bend a little by the way the article and controversy was presented.

And La Perla, you’ve disappointed this girl.  The body type you’ve allowed to be deemed offensive is the exact body type some of your customers possess.

Or did I totally miss the point?

Photo credit: Twitter/Michael Rudoy

Crime, Punishment and Transition?

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17So the US Pentagon is considering Bradley/Chelsea Manning’s move from a military prison to the Federal prison system where treatment for gender “issues” is available.  The dilemma they’re facing is somewhat of a catch 22 in my opinion.

Transgenders are not allowed in the US military, and therefore the treatment for this “disorder” is expulsion from the military.  But Manning can’t be discharged from the service until her sentence has been served.  And since they acknowledge that Manning is transgender, they’re forced to provide treatment or be accused of “cruel and unusual punishment”. So they’re trying to work out an arrangement with the Federal Prison System (who has treatment methods) to accept and treat her without first discharging her.

Now to anger you with my feelings.

In my opinion, Manning is a criminal and a traitor first and foremost.  She is “entitled” to nothing until her sentence has been served.  Although the expectation by the court system that someone found guilty will survive within the penal system until their sentence is served, I believe a minimums of care to make that happen should apply.

Secondly, it’s not unreasonable to believe that Bradley, not Chelsea, committed the  crimes and therefore Bradley, not Chelsea, should serve the time.  Yes, you can claim that Bradley has always been Chelsea, and yes, that’s certainly true but Manning enlisted and existed as a male, and only when there was nothing left to lose, came forward as Chelsea.

Manning is a coward.  She lacked the courage that so many trans folk are able to find that allows them to come out to the world while being fully aware of the potential consequences for doing so.

I understand desperation in a transgender world.  I’ve seen the tragic side of it. I understand the degree of desperation so many feel.  But I can’t help but wonder if Manning sold out her own country to get a government-sponsored gender transition.  Laugh if you like but I know many who feel that thirty five years in prison is a small price to pay to have a body that aligns with the brain.

Integrity means everything and  Manning has none.  She needed to put on her big girl panties, get a job, save her money and pay for her own medical care like every other trans person must. Special consideration should be reserved for those who show they can be great citizens and wonderful people .. not those who show no integrity and exhibit criminal behavior.

I believe the military, if left alone, would handle Manning  appropriately but once the Defense Secretary .. a civilian appointed by an insane regime .. get’s involved, things will quickly get silly.

I wish her a receding hairline *giggle*

Speaking of the inability to wear big girl panties, a Facebook “friend” is just over a month away from her genital reconstruction surgery date and claims to have less than 50 percent of the funds necessary to pay the bills associated with such surgery.  And she’s gone the crowd-funding route to beg for help.

For those of you who are not aware, crowd-funding is a method of raising capital, usually a few dollars each from a lot of contributors, to fund a project.  It started out as a means of bringing a product to market without conventional funding but now includes many “humanitarian” projects.   It’s the 21st century equivalent to panhandling or street begging.

“Fund me!”? Not a chance.  Within my means, I probably give more to others and to charity than most people but I’d be more likely to donate to save the Lyme-disease carrying deer tick foundation than I would to someone with that sense of entitlement.

So this is why transgender people shouldn’t be permitted in the military.  In my opinion, we’re unstable.  Because nature didn’t play by the rules when we wer assigned a gender and a brain, we’re incapable of understanding that, for a society to exist without anarchy, there must be rules .. and the rules won’t please everyone all the time.

We’ll stand behind those who’d sell out their country for estrogen, we book surgical facilities we can’t pay for and expect the world to “fund me”, and yet there are those like me who refuse to jump on anyone’s bandwagon, even when refusing to do so shows an extreme lack of compassion.

Until the world can figure out a reasonable way to deal with us,  let’s all just increase our visibility while we play by the rules, okay?   Because that is the only route to acceptance.



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Don Sterling – Banned for How Long?

Wait just a minute America!  You’re applauding what?

Yes, LA Clippers owner Don Sterling is an ass and he won’t be hanging out at Casa Seleena any time soon but really?  A recording of a private phone call between he and his girlfriend gets him banned from the NBA for life, causes him to lose his franchise AND gets him a $2+ million fine?

He made no hateful public statements.  He doesn’t appeared to have treated anyone poorly. In fact, he was scheduled to receive an award from the NAACP.  Bringing the wrath of the politically-correct down on him because of a private conversation is like punishing him for the way he thinks, in my opinion.

Yes, racism is despicable but the day we start punishing people for the way they think is the day we are officially living in an authoritarian Orwellian world.  And all other freedoms mean nothing.

And yet when Jay-Z wears a symbol publicly that symbolizes an ideology that claims “White people are the devil”,  he only “raises eyebrows”?  Really?  That’s all?

So racism doesn’t work in both directions.

I listened to the entire TMZ phone recording and honestly didn’t see the cause for all the alarm.  Yes, he’s an asshole but to many people out there, you and I are assholes too.  His issue with “black people” seemed more related to a concern about having to deal with the perceptions of his peers regarding the behavior of an NBA owner’s girlfriend. 

He, himself, is in a bi-racial relationship.  How many bigots can claim that?

If you see a bandwagon, it’s too late.” ~ James Goldsmith

How much money did his girlfriend receive from TMZ for distributing his thoughts which were certainly recorded without his permission?  Honestly, this was a very private discussion within the couple .. emotions were running high and both were speaking “off the cuff”.

Sometimes we have to put aside the smaller stuff in favour of the big stuff.  This was small stuff.  But freedom of thought is huge.

Your comments?

Invoke Societal Change First; then Pass Laws to Protect

Today, the OntariSeleenaK_8861so Human Rights Commission launched a new policy to protect the rights of transgender individuals.  Does Ontario need this?  Well, yes .. and no.  Let me explain my feelings.

From this girl’s experience, and from the experiences of many of my friends across the country,  Canada has been a relatively friendly place for trans people for many years.  It’s now in our culture to be accepting. Yes, marriages do end, families become estranged, friendships dissolve sometimes but jobs are usually kept and violence, both emotional and physical, is negligible.

And yes, there are individuals and pockets of individuals who don’t share a philosophy of tolerance but they’re relatively rare.  But since no one has pushed or angered them, their behavior usually falls into the “indifferent” category.

Since I spend lots of time in the US, I wish they could understand this concept .. what I like to call the “Canadian model”.  You see, first we change public feelings .. then we add laws and policies to take an official stand on that societal change.

We did this with same-sex marriage a decade ago and are doing it now with trans rights.

Every November, we observe the Transgender Day of Remembrance and we remember those who have lost their lives for simply being themselves.  Brazil, Mexico and the US are usually the top three countries where these tragedies occur.  Canada doesn’t even make the list. ~ Seleena Kay, preaching from her “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” pulpit

The US, in my opinion, is doing it entirely backwards.  There has been less of a cultural change promoting acceptance of same-sex marriage or trans rights.  But the laws are appearing regardless and the activists are claiming victory.  This does nothing except  make law-abiding people, though judgmental via their upbringing or religious beliefs,  feel like criminals.  And in those feelings bitterness thrives.

Are these extreme right wing “moral” people wrong?  Absolutely they are!  But can they change?  I believe they can be defused at the very least.

It’s that bitterness that could get someone like me seriously hurt.  And the law means nothing to either the perpetrator or the victim while an act of violence is being committed.  And this scares me.  Even the police scare me there.

So bravo to Ontario.  Bravo to the OHRC for the new policy.  And bravo to Canada for putting the horse before the cart!

You can read more about the policy here.

What’s the Real Gender of an Author? and Facial Gender Analysis

There are a few fun tools available on the web these days that might be of particular interest to those of us in the transgender world.  The tools themselves are designed to be more fun than informative and were probably not designed specifically for transgender people at all.


The first one I’ll talk about today is Genderanalyser.  If my memory serves me correctly, the media story about this mentioned that it was written at Harvard or one of the big US schools.  It’s purpose in life is to tell if the text at the user-provided URL was written by a male or a female.  It provides a likelihood percentage and asks us to tell it if it’s correct.

“There are those who wish there were no differences between men and women. In the 1970’s at the University of California, Berkeley, the buzzword among young women was “mandatory unisex,” which meant that it was politically incorrect even to mention sex difference.” ~ Louann Brizendine, M.D.

I provided it with the url for my About Me page and it believes there is a 72% likelihood that page was written by a female.  When I tried my blog post Could I Blog Professionally? it replied “We guess is written by a man (56%), however it’s quite gender neutral.” 

I was a little surprised that my blog post New Website Look: The Reason For the Change returned 59% female.  I would have suspected that the frustration I was feeling when I wrote that would have come out as male characteristics but they really didn’t.

You can find Genderanalyser here.  Give it a try!


The second tool I’ll mention is Pictriev,  the Facial Search Engine.  Upload an imagine or provide an image URL and Pictriev will try to tell you if the face is male or female. It will also try to guess the age and provide a short list of famous people with similar faces.

I provide this image. It found my face buried in all the hair and scored it 22% masculine, 78% feminine and estimated my age at 26 – I’m more than double that age. Lookalikes include Paula Abdul, Joan Collins, Angela Lansbury and Jackie Collins.
Then I uploaded this one. It scored 61% masculine, 39% feminine and age 40. Lookalikes include Oprah Winfrey, Naomi Campbell, Young Jeezy and Lenny Kravitz.
Lastly, I tried this one. It scored 68% masculine, 32% feminine and age 45. Lookalikes are Susannah York, Sasha Cohen and Bianca Jagger. Interestingly, it believes the face is mostly male yet found only female lookalikes.













I also tried uploading a couple of photos of genetic females and, here are the results:

Marilyn Monroe is 0% masculine, 100% feminine and age 29. She died at age 36 so even the age is entirely possible. Her lookalikes were Marilyn Monroe (ha!), Barbara Lawrence and Mamie Van Doren.
Audrey Hepburn, who some believe had the perfect face, didn’t score quite as well as Marilyn. This photo as rated 6% masculine, 94% feminine and age 26. Her lookalikes were Audrey Hepburn (yay!), Sophia Loren and Jessica Marais.













So there you go.  Although I don’t know how the algorythm works, I think, if someone was so inclined, they could analyze their own results and make adjustments to their look to move the percentage in the direction of their choice.  A good self-improvement tool.

Yet when I discussed this online with tgirl friends their photos seemed to be scoring very high .. much higher than mine.  When they suggested I keep trying different photos until I got a high feminine rating I realized what they had been doing.

Instead of considering PicTriv fun or informative, they were using it flatter themselves.

We’re such an insecure, delusional group, aren’t we?  But maybe that’s what makes us sweet!

Your Thoughts on Tolerance?

Recently, Mozilla CEO Brendan Eich either resigned or was forced to resign over the news that he had contributed financially to support opposition to  same sex marriage in California.   He’s the guy who invented javascript (which has likely enhanced your web experience at least once in the last 24 hours whether you know it or not) and was the co-founder of Mozilla who’s mission to promote openness,  innovation and opportunity on the Web has always made the likes of Google, Apple and Microsoft SeleenaK_6196_gradient_sseem like greedy, power-hungry and anything-for-profit.

OKCupid, the dating site, started the blacklash that cost us Mr Eich’s tech talent.  Members arriving at their site using the Firefox browser were asked to come back using a different browser.

My dilemma is this;  I’m hugely in favour of same sex marriage but I’m also believe in freedom of choice.  And it doesn’t seem right to only allow freedom of choice when that choice falls in line with our personal beliefs.  This, to me, is thinly disguised fascism.

I think those of us who believe same sex marriage is a no-brainer need to work harder at changing opinion.

Does anyone think removing Eich from his job will change his opinion or anyone else’s?  It may cause him or those who share his feelings to be less vocal but it doesn’t increase support.  All it does is angers those who share Eich’s opinion thereby making them even stronger in their resolve.

Someone once told me “my father would have wanted to take ya out back and shoot ya, but ya know, you’re alright  … for a tranny!” ~ Seleena K

OKCupid, you suck monkey balls.  I think you’re pretending to have taken a stand against a judgmental  guy but you’re really just using a noble cause to gain publicity and increase profits.  Shame on you!

My goal will never be to force my beliefs on anyone, to incarcerate those who disagree, to financially castrate those who don’t see things my way.  But give me an opportunity and I’ll try very hard to change your opinion through honesty, tolerance, meaningful discussion and compassion.

What are your thoughts?


New Website Look; The Reason for the Change

Let me get this off my chest.  It’s been bothering me for a long time and I’m hoping that by telling you about it, I can put it to rest.

I truly believe the tech revolution of the past few decades is nothing more than a change to the way we communicate.  The basis for, and the honesty behind, our communication should be no different than it was when we wrote letters and used the postal service to deliver them.  Only the methods we use to communicate have changed.  And there should be a reasonable expectation of honesty in our communication.

We are who we are.  Some of us are very boring and others are not.  Yet, in the online world, so many of us pretend to be who we are not; and piracy, copyright infringement, theft of intellectual property and plagiarism are the tools.

SeleenaK_3686So here’s the story.  A little over a year ago I was approached by a transgender web software developer about “bringing my website up to date” using her own, internally developed content management system.  It would have a modern look, be mobile device friendly and would be free for me to use in exchange for her company’s exposure.  She made this same offer to other t-girls website owners and several accepted.  It appeared she was being nice to a segment of the transgender community.  Cool.

She really caught me at a weak time because I agreed to make the change, hoping it would inspire me to create newer and nicer content that in the past.  But of course, I knew that nothing in life is really free.

The implementation of the new website code was rocky behind the scenes.  She trash-talked my hosting company (who I believe is one of the premier adult hosting services on the planet), talked down to me (not knowing that I had tons of corporate experience in large banking system implementations), and claimed some malicious code on my laptop was performing brute force hack attempts on her blog site (totally unfounded).

My site was primarily a photo/video site yet her platform was weak in those areas. So when it became obvious that her base product, the freebie, wouldn’t give me some functionality my old site had, I paid for add-ons.

She seemed like a nice, sincere person with good intentions, and maybe she was.

But when my old site was gone and the new site began to take shape, she pointed, in casual discussion, to her transgender blog site.  “Look at mine; see how nice it is?  Yours can be this nice too!” – I’m paraphrasing.

And I read her blog.

What I read was professionally written, extremely high quality blog posts and articles … and they was signed by her.  But after having communicated via email with her for more than a month, it was obvious to me that she could not have possibly written the words on her own site.  In reality, her spelling was poor, her grammar was poor, composition and sentence structure were not even close to the caliber on her blog.  She was plagiarizing everything.

Here’s a little trick if you suspect plagiarism.  Copy a couple suspect sentences and paste them into Google within double quotes.  If Google finds a perfect match, you’ll know it. And the posting date is a good indication of which one came first.

So I did a few searches.  She was plagiarizing a blogger/author in New Zealand regularly and stealing articles from Psychology Today magazine as well. Bloggers, magazines, journals .. everyone was fair game. And she didn’t give credit to anyone.

You can imagine what I was thinking.  If she’s okay using someone else’s content as if it was her own, how much of the software on my website is actually hers?  But I had put a lot of effort into moving to her platform, my old site was gone, and my free time was running out.

I said nothing and we finished converting my website to her platform.  But it bothered me.  Who was she?  Were her photos real?  Was she a trans woman at all?

Slightly more than a year went by with me worrying that I was going to be accused of using stolen SeleenaK_3688software .. “her” software.

Then in early March of this year, I got an email from her … the first in almost a year .. offering to upgrade me (“software is free, just pay for my time to convert”) to  her responsive platform.  Responsive platforms know the difference between smartphones, tablets and larger computers and adjust the website for optimal display in real time.  She told me how much work she had been doing for the TG community in her city, public appearances, cable TV  etc., (none of which I could verify) and that her blog now has nearly 10,000 subscribers.

So I told her the truth about how I was feeling and had been feeling since just after our relationship began.  I mentioned the plagiarism but didn’t provided links.

And she freaked.  “if you make such claims you need to specify the facts, what articles are you referring too?”  Even when confronted she wouldn’t be honest with me.  I certainly could have sent her a link to each of her articles as well as a link to the original article she had copied.  I discussed this with a politeness that she likely didn’t deserve.

It didn’t end well.

So, I had to get my panty-wearing butt in high gear to get my site moved from her platform to my own .. stat!  I chose the WordPress framework and built from there.  And I’m now able to sleep at night.

As they put my cold dead body into the ground, I need someone at the grave site to say “that bimbo may have had decent legs but she really had a lot of integrity!”

The only thing I regret is not being able to bring my existing member database forward to the new site so, unfortunately, you all had to join again.

So (if you’re still reading this), did I overreact? Am I overly cautious? Is it okay to be a blogger with 10k subscribers while presenting “stolen” content to them exclusively?

Am I an asshole who needs to get off her high horse and lighten up?

Your comments are appreciated.

The Messenger is as Important as the Message

LGBT – there was a time when none of us were accepted or tolerated. And then, things began to change. Here’s my take on how it happened, why it happened and where things are or are not headed. And please forgive me if it appears I’m generalizing and using stereotypes.

The “T” part of LGBT is falling dreadfully behind in attaining the tolerance and understanding of the western world. And I believe there are several reasons for this. But to understand it, I think it’s wise to look at the “L”, the “G” and the “B” to get an idea how they’ve accomplished what they have.

I’ll start with gays. From my experience, part of the gay community is … ummm .. detectable. Mannerisms, speech, appearance, a feminine edge .. the stereotypical stuff. But the other part just looks like average hetero guys.  Very nondescript.

In the lesbian world, a similar split exists (with a touch of androgyny in there for good measure). Some ladies have a distinctively masculine edge in mannerisms, speech and appearance .. again the stereotypical stuff. But many present to the world the way society expects hetero women to appear.

I’ll mention bisexuals just for the sake of inclusion but, to me at least, they’re the most invisible portion of the LGBT population. And the hetero world seems to think that bi women are hot, and bi men are not. But no one sees a person walking down the street and thinks “there’s a bisexual!”.  So they benefit from recent legislative or social changes, or not .. based on their current situation.


It’s all about appearance

The vanilla world is comfortable with the status quo … those who look like them; those who act like them. And their queeziness is usually only triggered by those who don’t conform in appearance or mannerism. So because of this, half of the gay and lesbian world .. the invisible half .. gets a pass by default.

I remember some research done years ago regarding appearances. People of all ages were shown photos of people with varying degrees of “prettiness” or “handsomeness” and were asked to make assumptions based on what they saw. Were the people honest, trustworthy, intelligent, pleasant, miserable? And the result were uncanny. Those on both ends of the attractiveness scale didn’t rate too high but those on the attractive side of normal rated very highly. They were automatically considered more trustworthy, honest and intelligent than those on the other side of the median. Applying a slight amount of makeup changed the perception towards the positive.

Of course getting to know these people would probably change our opinions of them drastically but, if they climbed out of the photo and sat beside us silently, they would have a leg up on the others. The good feelings we had towards them were theirs to lose simply because they made us feel comfortable initially.

We’re built to size each other up quickly. Even if we’re presented with lots of evidence to the contrary, we’re attached to our initial impressions of people—which is why you should be aware of the impression you make on others. – Psychology Today

Now in the transgender world, the number of genetic males identifying as women (M2F) far exceeds the number of genetic women identifying as men (F2M, or trans men).

Trans men, for whatever the reason, on average seem to be more articulate in the way they present than t-girls (like me). And they rarely get a questioning look.

Trans girls, on the other hand, (and I’m generalizing again) rarely do a good job of presenting as an attractive, likeable person, and often appear (I’m being kind here) on the plain side of the median. And that presentation makes the uninformed around us very uncomfortable.

Let’s pretend for a moment that you are the court of tolerance; the court of public opinion. As the lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders lobby, discuss, educate and try to rally support for their respective causes, the lesbians stand before you looking like the woman next door or the somewhat tomboyish woman from down the street; the gays stand before you either looking like the guy next door or a really attractive guy from GQ magazine (giggle*) while the transgenders usually stand before you either looking like nothing you’ve ever seen before or like a scraggly, old chick from the hippie era. The “L” and “G”‘s, by appearance alone, have hit the ground running.

You hear their pleas, their “LG” points and counterpoints because your first impression is positive and their appearance didn’t distract you. But you didn’t hear a word the transgender said because it took you so long to adjust to the unfamiliar image in front of you.

The reason I bring all this up now is because of the lovely Panti Bliss. Panti (aka Rory O’Neill) is a gay drag queen in Ireland who is singlehandedly changing the way the Irish, their legislators and media think about gays and homophobia. Signs are appearing in shop windows proclaiming “we support Team Panti”. T-shirts are on the streets.  She’s pretty, well-spoken and sincere and a fabulous spokesperson for the gays in Ireland. And because of her likeable character, talking about how things make her feel is causing most people to want to help; to want to see the good side in people; to want to be less cruel.

Here’s Panti’s video that continues to draw so much attention. As you watch this, consider how different it’s impact would have if Rory was not in Panti-mode when it was done.

Do you understand what I’m trying to say?

As I prepare to head off to yet another conference where I’ll feel obligated to sit through boring keynote speeches by non-charismatic, non-Panti-like activists, I offer this:  To those of you who carry the torch for us, please know that, like it or not, your appearance, your physical presence, your charisma are important. Maybe more important than the legal or constitutional verbiage you quote.

Learn from Panti!

I know … most of you feel the world should accept us as we are. Absolutely! But until that time comes, let’s drop the “I gotta be me” and “dress for success”.

Or better still, lets find spokespeople who are a little more like Panti. Because the way we’re doing it just isn’t working regardless of the insignificant trivial tidbits our activists keep throwing at us as their successes.

Please note: I don’t believe that inherent attractiveness is a deciding factor in gaining acceptance. Large, small, tall, short, pretty, ugly, race, age … none of that is relevant. It’s all about the effort we put forward.  And on a personal note, if I didn’t try hard to appear presentable, you definitely would not be reading this nor visiting my website.  I could definitely be the queen of the scary ladies!  Trust me on this. 🙂

Banned From Flying


A couple recent news stories caught my attention.  They involved a pair of very well known transgender “performers” who were escorted off a WestJet flight from Toronto when it landed in  Edmonton.  Both were detained briefly; one was charged with causing a disturbance.

It appears the “situation” started when a flight attendant made a comment to the effect “you guys have to teach us how to do makeup.  You know, because you used to be guys right?“.  While this, to me, was not exactly an insult, apparently it was to the girls.

The first use of the word “guys” is used all the time and is not always a gender-specific reference.  It’s like “folks” but somewhat more casual .. at least not in the dialect of Canadian English I’m used to.  The second use of the word “guys” was used to state a fact, and “used to be guys” really was an acknowledgment of the fact that they are no longer considered to be guys.

But Lexi got technical.  If you consider us guys, then it’s not against the law for guys to take their top off .. and she proceeded to do a striptease down the aisle of the plane.  What an asshat.

SeleenaK_000843You can read the whole story here.

Apparently both girls were still carrying male ID, and therefore were told by police that if they were incarcerated, it would be in a cell with males.  She made light of it saying that it sounded like it would be a good time but the reality is that most normal incarcerated criminals would have beaten the crap out of her.

Their interviews with the media were silly .. they made light of the entire incident.

So after spending time in Edmonton, with tickets in hand, they arrived at the airport for the trip back to Toronto.  Air Canada this time.  But were told at check-in that they were banned from flying based on their behavior on the other airline.  Would WestJet allow them to fly home?  Not a chance.

Luckily for them, VIA Rail was kind enough to let them travel to Toronto.  There’s no mention in the media but I’m guessing that they were told there would be no tolerance for silliness on the train.

Here’s the second story.

My thoughts on all this?  Well, I’m quite sure you already know where I stand.  Transgender people fly all the time  without incident, regardless of any comments ,malicious or innocent, from staff or passengers.  I really don’t think the flying world is out to get transgenders, especially not in Canada.

This whole incident was just a case of two delusional girls forgetting that the real world is a lot larger than the tiny world they exist in.   Oh sure, a good part of the TG community will rally behind them and against the mean old airlines, mostly because “there’s no excuse for discrimination” .. but this is less about TG discrimination and more about uncooperative passengers causing a disturbance.  Children on an airplane really don’t need to see tranny boobs.

Their behavior has done us all a great disservice and has pushed us back a step or two on the road to acceptance and integration.

Life is not a joke girls.  Public perception means a lot .. it’s often the difference between a smile and a punch .. or worse.

Angelina’s Revelation


Angelina Jolie recently announced that she had a “preemptive” full double mastectomy due to a genetic condition that indicates she is at a very high risk to develop breast cancer.   Although I think everyone respects her decision to do what she feels is necessary, her public exposé and the typical internet shitstorm that followed all combine to make me ask questions.

Angelina has done a fabulous job exploiting her on-screen talents and that has put her in a much different situation financially than the vast majority of women in the world.    The gene test for breast cancer predisposition (the BRCA1 gene) alone costs over $3,000USD.   How many women, although suspicious due to a family history of breast cancer, can afford this?

And of those who can, how many are prepared to deal with a positive result?  As is the case with most things in life, ignorance is bliss .. but once we know something, we feel compelled to act.  I have no personal experience with this, of course, but I’m guessing that a positive (voluntary) test result would hit almost as hard as a positive cancer diagnosis.

I lost my mom to breast cancer.  Angelina’s story made me think about my mom, and what her seemingly normal life would have been like if she would have known what the future had in store for her, yet she was powerless financially to change it.  Knowing her, and how seriously she took motherhood, I can only assume the stress she would have felt while still healthy would have changed the joyful years she spent with us.

But back to Ms Jolie’s situation, she’s out there now as a model for women to “know that they have some strong options”.

Excuse me? Strong options?  While I don’t begrudge Angelina’s affluence at all .. she earned it .. I have to wonder what “strong options” most women have.  I also don’t want to downplay the trauma associated with having body parts removed, especially those that the world chooses to use to judge  attractiveness and femininity, but not everyone has a team of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons waiting in the wings to use state of the art surgery techniques and implants to soften the appearance of the affected area after a radical double mastectomy.

SeleenaK_8993sAlmost every woman forced to take such extreme intervention is devastated since the post-surgery appearance most have to live with is aesthetically “difficult”.  In virtually ever case, the nipples are lost .. Angelina’s were not.  Ms Jolie’s procedure was done in two steps .. for optimal cosmetic results.  A piece of cadaver tissue was used to support the implants .. again optimal for that “natural” appearance.   (Yes, you read that right.  Tissue from a dead body was used. )

Yes, she has sacrificed part of her body in the interest of survival  .. a huge and very difficult decision and we applaud her for that, but that decision was certainly made a little easier because of her access to top drawer cosmetic surgery.

I just think it’s unfair of her to go public with a very private issue under the guise that women should take control of their personal situation.  Yes, taking control of our destiny is important as it relates to our choices in life, love, family, careers, relationships and friends but horrific diseases are just something we can rarely control, unless our course we’re financially well situated.

Here’s what she said in the New York Times opinion pages: “I chose not to keep my story private because there are many women who do not know that they might be living under the shadow of cancer.  It is my hope that they, too, will be able to get gene tested, and if they have a high risk they, too, will know that they have strong options”

In my opinion, she’s not feeling very comfortable with her decision and is seeking validation, or help, from the public to pat her on the head, call her brave and wonderful, tell her they love her dearly, tell her that she did the right thing and massage her ego at a time when she’s feeling down.  All things that the average woman, post-mastectomy, will have, at best, on a miniscule scale, from one or two family members or close friends.

The final insult to breast cancer survivors will come when she starts to appear in public once again looking “boob-a-licious”.   And I’m guessing that will happen.  Of course she’s entitled to do that! But if her disclosure had never happened, she wouldn’t be rubbing anything in anyone’s face, figuratively speaking.

In my opinion, the world changed slightly when she made her announcement on Tuesday May 14th 2013.  From that day forward, many women, upon getting a breast cancer diagnosis, will feel even worse because they either ignored, or weren’t able to follow, Angelina’s “advice”.  I know her words would not have been received as motivation by my mom.

Why do celebrities feel the need to do stuff like this?  I don’t think we should be getting our political “advice” from Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Ted Nugent or Clint Eastwood, and our healthcare information and survival motivation shouldn’t be coming from Angelina Jolie.

But on a more positive note, her timing could have been worse.  For those like me who lost a mom or sister to that dreadful disease, Mother’s Day was a time to reflect on the good times.

Heroes and Villians


So terrorists do bad things.  It’s life now and will be for the foreseeable future.  That doesn’t scare me.

But what does scare me is the reaction to terrorism that was so rampant in Boston after the marathon bombing.

We all heard a lot of “Boston Strong!” and talk about law enforcement “heroes”.  I wasn’t there but, looking from outside the border, it’s all a little concerning.  Boston did not appear “strong” .. a couple kids had them cowering in their homes.  And I just don’t see any heroics in anything law enforcement did.

First of all, federal, state and local agencies were unable to protect their own citizens, let alone international visitors to a world-renowned event, from some pretty unsophisticated terrorists.  Then, when both savages were within reach, the youngest was able to get away.  And after locking down the whole city and searching with all the tools at their disposal, it took a curious citizen to find the kid.

I’m not pretending to think that law enforcement is easy .. I know it’s not.  But hearing “we’ve learned a lot and we’ll do better next time” would have been much more comforting than to see everyone, from the governor on down,  taking a bow for the fabulous work they did.  Citizens should have respectfully demanded an improvement.

Maybe the words that affected me so much were just an emotional outpouring out of fear or an attempt to heal .. but like alcoholism, the first step towards recovery is admitting you have a problem, and it requires real courage to do that.

There’s nothing “weak” in admitting you’re down when you are.

Someone like me can only survive in the world today if I’m grounded in reality .. it keeps me safe.  When you’re down, say you’re down and we’re all there to help you up.  I’m the type of girl who goes out of her way, within my financial means, to support communities in times of need. But delusional talk is not comforting nor does it inspire support.

But America doesn’t need support .. emotional, financial or otherwise ..  from the rest of the world, do they?

Being a Part Time Girl in a Full Time Culture

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17In society, we all live part time existences.  We spend part of our time as parents, part of our time as friends, part of our time as employees, part of our time as activists, part of our time as lovers.  And no matter where we sit on society’s cruel totem pole, we spend part of our time doing everything.  And that’s considered acceptable; maybe even “well rounded”.

But in the transgender world, this is not the case.  Girls who are girls part time are at the very bottom of the pecking order .. on the bottom rung of the ladder.   And this especially applies to those who are unwilling to permanently alter their appearance to any degree if the enhancements would compromise their appearance when in the “other mode”.  Permanent hair removal, pierced ears and, most certainly, hormone replacement therapy would fall into this category.

Would you like to move up a rung on that ladder?  Laser hair removal will take you there, as well as bring congratulations from your peers.  Hormone replacement therapy gets you an even bigger “congrats!” and moves you up another rung or two.

Start living full time and you’re almost at the top of the food chain .. regardless of the carnage in your wake.   Necessary carnage maybe , but the carnage and tears are all too real.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I don’t believe that anyone has any of these procedures, or changes their life entirely, for the purpose of climbing the ladder, but it is most certainly a welcomed side effect that brings a feeling of pride to those who go in that direction.

To those who need to transition,  it is a vital as coming up from the bottom of the swimming pool for a breath of air.  And it appears, in my opinion, to be something non-negotiable.  It simply must happen.  To make a person “whole”.  To fix what’s broken.  And I would never question that.

But what I do question is why making something “right” moves a person up on the scale, higher even than someone who was (luckily)  born that way.  Is it perceived bravery?  Overcoming hardship? Possibly, but I don’t think it’s bravery that causes a person to leave the bottom of the swimming pool for a breath of air so vital to their very existence.  Maybe it’s the decision, and,  subsequently, the necessary actions needed to get on with life as opposed to ending it prematurely, as so many do.

But I still don’t see how that puts someone “above” anyone who is able to deal with their own gender dysphoria in a less catastrophic way.  And who I believe is equally worthy of congratulations for the life long balancing act they choose to endure.

Although I never think of myself as a crossdresser .. I think of myself as a two-spirited person .. that’s  SeleenaK_5110s_HDRwhat I’m considered to be by most in the TG world.  So I sit on the bottom rung of the ladder.  

I’ve hurt no one.  I’ve alienated no one.  I’m able to be what loved one’s need me to be.  I’m able to “be there” for them always.  I’m successful.  I’m reasonable affluent.  I’m “civically” responsible and I give to charity.  And I pride myself in being able to live in either world reasonably well, without causing  any embarrassment and without making anyone feel uncomfortable.  Yet I sit on the bottom rung of the ladder. 

Luck, life, or my own discipline and fortitude, allows me to travel through time with little or no personal, relationship-destroying baggage.  And a mis-used pronoun won’t ruin my day nor the day of those around me.  Yet I sit on the bottom rung of the ladder.

“But I’ve got nothing against crossdressers!”  Well, thanks sweetie but looking down from your lofty perch,  you just put two very negative words in front of the label you just handed me.

So to those of you teetering on the top of that ladder, please know that I, and a huge number of others just like me, are down here on the ground, both feet firmly planted on terra firma, with balance and stability that’s rock solid.  And because of our large numbers, and the fact that so few of us need financial help, we contribute financially in a very big way to the events, gatherings, foundations and societies you call your own.

Please remember that we might be the EMT that puts you back together after a tragic accident, or the “dude” that intervenes when a hate crime is being perpetrated against you, or the doctor that performs your gender reassignment surgery, or, at the very least,  the “guy” holding your hand when you awaken from that surgery.

But you won’t recognize us, will ya?

Just How Homophobic Are You?

SeleenaK_6708sI was reading a Canadian Press story this morning about a campaign by the government of Quebec to get residents thinking about homophobia.

The campaign includes a series of television commercials with a common theme.  The commercials, it seems, lead the viewer down a typical path expecting the “lovers”, who’s activities it chronicles, to be heterosexual,  and at the last second, the viewer sees that the relationship is “same sex”.  The ads ask the question “Just how open minded are you?” and ends with something like “Does this change what you were thinking 20 seconds ago?”.  The typical paradigm shift.

In both the gay and lesbian versions of the ad, same sex lovers are shown locked in a passionate kiss.

It surprises me that the complaints filed against the ad campaign have been negligible .. nine in total as of this writing, according to the Canadian Press.  Bravo Quebec!

The CP article also states “While 78 per cent said they were comfortable with gays and lesbians, the number dropped to 45 per cent in the case of transgender people.”

Although the percentages are quite different, frankly I’m surprised, and feel quite optimistic, at how high the acceptance of trans* people is.

The only thing about the campaign, and the government website survey that accumulate this data, that get’s under my skin a little is that a reasonable person could feel an implication that transgenderism goes hand-in-hand with homosexuality .. and that assumption isn’t exactly accurate. There is little or no connection between sexual orientation and gender orientation.

I’ll be looking for the ads to appear on the video sharing sites since they’re only being aired in Quebec, and only until the end of the month.

My personal experiences in Quebec haven’t been exactly heartwarming .. regardless of which gender I’m presenting.  So I’ve avoided going there for some time now.  Ironically, it appeared that my inability to speak French was much more offensive than my presentation or perceived sexual orientation.

To read the entire Canadian Press article on the Montreal Gazette website, click here. (unfortunately the article is no longer available)

Cherish the Indifference


There is an old expression that goes like this: “pull a string and it follows you everywhere; push a string and it goes nowhere at all”. 

To pull is to lead.  To push is to force.  I think this applies to what’s been happening in the US since 2008 .. and it worries me lots.

In any civilized society, there are always some who take an extreme stance on many social issues, and there are those who are mostly indifferent.  The majority usually falls in the socially-indifferent category.  It’s often the “I don’t really like it but live-and-let-live” mindset.  Like a pendulum, they don’t spend much of their time at the ends of the swing but instead live their lives between the far left and right extreme.  I think of them as the indifferent.

There is little danger within this group.  They live their lives within their beliefs and they give the much needed balance to society.

I’ve learned, from my extensive experience in the US, it was because of this balance that both extremes, the ultra-liberal and super conservative, were able to co-exist.  Then something happened.  And it happened during the campaigns for a new president.  The average liberal .. not the extremist liberal but the average good intentioned liberal, who had always been easy-going, suddenly lost their tolerance for those of a more conservative point of view.  It was like the gang mentality that causes things to sometimes get out of control at protests, but in this case, social media was the arena.

SeleenaK_7160s_cropThey got mean, intolerant and judgmental.  Even more judgmental that those on the opposite end of the spectrum.   It was as if they believed that their candidate for president would given them the social power to rid the planet of the conservative mindset forever.

And since the day he was elected, the hatred spewing from the left side has continued .. even escalated.  The attacks were not against the ideology;  they were attacks against the people.  The right attacked concepts while the left attacked people.

A law of physics says that the more you pull the pendulum in one direction, the farther it will go in the other direction.  And this is obvious in the birth of the Tea Party and the strengthening of the fundamentalist Christian groups at the far extreme of the pendulum’s travel.

And for someone like me, it’s scary.  I’ve traveled the US lots, from liberal area to liberal area and spent time in some of the most conservative areas along the way.    And until now, I’ve never felt at risk.  Those who didn’t understand viewed us as sickos, nut cases, twisted individuals.  Most looked upon us with pity, which sounds sad, I know, but it was non-confrontational.  It was safe.  But now, people like me are viewed as a flag bearer for extreme liberalism.  The same liberalism that attacked their fundamental beliefs, attacked them as Americans, attacked them as human beings.

I’ve learned that nothing brings out unpredictable, confrontational behavior in an American than being told they are un-American.  And the left has told the 47.2% on the right, in no uncertain terms, that they are, in fact, unworthy Americans.

So an election, and more importantly, a re-election has caused almost everyone there to choose a side.  And now the pendulum seems to be spending most of it’s time at the extreme ends of it’s travel.  This violates the laws of physics .. the laws of balance.

People have become less and less indifferent.  You’re either with me, or you’re a monster .. a poster child for everything “wrong” with society.

And this is hurtful to those of us who know the dangers of hiding behind “rights”, who realize that acceptance comes through one personal interaction at a time and  are content living under the radar.

Most of the world understands this but Americans just don’t seem to get it.  They’re unable to look beyond their borders .. beyond their perception of their culture, which has been split down the middle by the axe of liberalism.

When in the USA, indifference was my best friend.  It kept me safe and I miss it dearly.

Fashion versus Fetish

SeleenaK_9927sAs an observer of fashion over the years, I’ve come to a conclusion.  Sure, this may be a well-known fact to others but for me, it’s a new concept .. and the implications are scary.

I’ve come to the conclusion that today’s fashion is tomorrow’s fetish.  This is likely common knowledge to many but a revelation to me.  I’m not sure if this can be an all-encompassing statement about human behaviour and sexual perversity but we, as pervy humans, tend to fetishize things that had a sexual impact on our development, often at a very young age.

Guys and T-girls seem most likely to acquire a life long fetish but it certainly happens to women too.

The dictionary defines a fetish as a sexual attraction to an inanimate object.  Although I certainly shouldn’t question Webster, that definition conjures up images of a lonely perv whacking to a pair of women’s panties that mysteriously moved from her laundry basket to his at the Laundromat.

My definition is somewhat looser than that.  I tend to think of a fetish as an attraction to anything that consistently conjures up feelings of eroticism in an individual, that is not already part of the male or female anatomy.  Feet, seamed stockings and high heels are common fetish items.  Big red clown noses are a little less common <grins>.

And fetishes are best appeased only occasionally, to allow us all to get on with life.  Let’s face it, if your fetish was big red clown noses and everyone on the street wore them, you wouldn’t get a lot done.

Therein lies the sadness to my observation, and you just know this is leading to a discussion of legs since I’m obviously a leg girl.

It seems that when seamed stockings were everyday wear for most women, little emphasis was placed on them sexually .. that came later.  After the disco years, when spandex “everything” went out of style (thank god), an increased fetish interest in “all things spandex” started to appear.  And now that pantyhose have vanished from everyday life, the pantyhose fetish crowd is growing .. and I can personally make this observation because I’m seeing an increasing number of requests for pantyhose pics on my site.  Even Lady Gaga is careful to show the reinforced part of her pantyhose on stage to leave no doubt that she’s wearing them.

So, where does that leave us going forward?  Bare legs, in my opinion, don’t qualify as a fetish since they’re part of the anatomy.  Does the casual comfort-based look women have chosen leave the next generation of fetishists with a choice of cotton sweats, denim or microfiber?  And regarding women’s footwear .. flip flops, track shoes, fluffy slippers?

Maybe schoolgirl skirts and knee-high socks will continue their popularity but the symbolism of that outfit is .. well, you know .. a little twisted when the admirer is older and might be more about role-play than fetish.

So I’m calling on the fine hosiery manufacturers of the world .. Hanes, Wolford, Legs, etc .. to do something .. anything .. to revive their industry.

If not in the interest of corporate profits, think of the next generation of fetishy pervs.  Because if a marketing response to the downward trend doesn’t happen soon from you, I’m going to start wearing a big red clown nose.

(originally published in my blog October 29, 2009)

Staying “Real” in the Social Media Age

stockingfoot_640x480_6450I’ve been thinking about opening up a special type of membership to those who might be interested in supporting my website.  It might be something like $5 per month or less and, although paying members would see the same content as those who enjoy the site for free, I would be also be available for one-to-one text chat too.

As Yogi Berra once said, and I paraphrase, “You can observe a lot by just watching” (teehee!) and I’ve done this … for many, many years.  And have seen the evolution of the online world.

SeleenaK_X6449Since the social media and “sharing” sites have gained prominence, the internet has become a place where we’re desensitized to imagery.  Follow me on any of the social networking sites and you’ll see that my work often appears along side images of the most gorgeous models at their peak, and photographed by the most talented photographers ever.  Both my appearance and my photographic abilities shouldn’t put me on the same planet as them, let alone in the same timeline.  I know this.

So is there anything I can still offer?   Blogging is an option but I don’t really write that well.  Most blogs include photos “borrowed” from the web and I just won’t do that.

What I just might have going for me is that I’m real, I’m here and I’m now.  Marylin Monroe, Betty Page and Jane Russell are not. Irving Claw, Richard Avedon and Francesco Scavullo are gone too, and that hot, hung she-male’s photo you’re lusting after is likely many years old, and she probably stopped doing work like that long ago due to the exploitation in the genre.  And if you could find her, she probably doesn’t speak the same language as you anyway. teehee!

Mass online image sharing has greatly lessened my ability to grab a tiny sliver of the pie.  But I’m here, in the flesh, and I have the energy to interact with you.  And I can and will chat with you on just about any topic.  And your contribution would help take my site forward and would allow me even more ways of interacting with you.

Please comment here or message me directly with your thoughts on this. bimbo at seleenak dot com

Remembrance Day 2010

Today is known as Remembrance Day here in Canada. It’s a day to remember those who fought for our freedom.

On the 11th hour of the 11th day or the 11th month we observe a moment of silence.

I have two videos for you this year. Both came to me from my good friend, ET.

The first one is an all-Canadian musical tribute to our soldiers past and present. Like me, you might not be a country music fan but I think you’ll still like this one. Available in high definition and with a wonderful audio track, it’s a lot more upbeat than the video I shared with you last year.

The second video is a beautiful Vimy Ridge tribute from a group of Canadian high school students. Vimy ridge was the site of a battle during WW1 where many Canadians lost their lives.

And please .. take a moment of silence at 11:00 this morning to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice, who fought to protect us or who continue to put themselves in harm’s way to preserve our freedom and the freedom of others.

Staying Close to Home

It seems that I’ve become a bit of a stay-at-home girl lately.  Not sure why but I’m guessing that either a psychiatrist or an astrologer could tell me.

No, I haven’t had a traumatic experience out there in the big, bad world of tranny haters.  I think my interests have just changed and “making the scene” is not so important to me right now.

I still have one girlfriend I visit occasionally and “JJ” still comes to visit me sometimes but other than that, hanging out here with Kim is where I’m most content.

SeleenaK_4790crI do find it interesting that people come into my life, stay a while and move on.  We remain emotionally close even if we don’t see each other often.  I think I satisfy some short term emotional need for some.  We talk .. I help.

Advice based on reality and compassion for those around us (who don’t really understand) appears to be my specialty.  I’ve never lost sight of the fact that “we” are the different one’s and that who we are, and what we do, is very much against most people’s comfort zones.  If we move through live with that in mind, we stay safe, are less hurtful to others and avoid a lot of personal pain and confrontation.

Sometimes others take my advice, sometimes they don’t but having heard my unique perspective maybe helps them in their decision-making.  And sometimes it’s just about having a non-judgmental listener.

I  can’t be greedy and expect anything to be forever but I just hope they are better off for having known me.  “Fly little birdie!  Fly!”

And then there’s you.  I know some of you are just passing through but some of you do come back .. and often.  My site stats show this.  No, I can’t see any of your personal information but I can see repeat visitor counts.

I do my best, both in my photos and in my writings, to help you to actually know me .. I think that’s important.  And ya know what? I think I know you too.

Not your name, what you look like or where you live.  No no no.  It’s something even more personal than those things.  It’s that thing deep down in your soul that draws you here.  I understand it.  I really do.  And it’s special.

Yep, there certainly are prettier, sexier girls in the cyber world (I’m not even going to mention “cock pics” .. hehe!) yet you come back.  Whether it’s for the overall style, the leggy looks, to get some advice or tips, or maybe even  for wanking material, you come back.

That makes me feel really good.  Thank you!

Account Termination by Executive Order?

I got a warning earlier this week from nice people at Yahoo! that I “might have” violated their Terms of Service, and that I need to stop immediately or my account might be terminated. They gave no other detail but included a helpful link to a help forum. But the link is broken .. “page not found”.

Sooo there might not be a help forum available to help me understand what I might have done … but whatever it might be, I need to stop it immediately or they might terminate my account.

Well Yahoo! .. to be honest with you, I might not care at all if you did that.

I haven’t done anything different there recently.  Same behavior as in the last several years; no abusive language, no porn, no confrontations, no “hate” talk, no threats.  I’d have a hard time doing those things if I tried to.  My volume there has been quite high recently … “add me” requests, messages, etc .. but that’s about it.

And my profile is as honest as it can be.  I don’t even lie about my gender there, like so many of my “sisters” do.

But in researching this very ambiguous warning,  I learned that many bloggers and business people are of the opinion that the “Big Y!” has a thing for the guy runs the US.  You know the guy.  “Hopey-changey guy” .. (not to be confused with “hunky guy” from NY, who really is intelligent, handsome, sexy and honest .. inside joke <swoon!>).

Simply disagreeing with “el presidente”” in their groups, forums, chatrooms (maybe even email and IM’s?) is grounds for termination.  Hard to believe, I know, but that’s what many are saying, and these folks are NOT extreme right wingers.  And the funniest part of it all is that it was okay to disagree (or worse) with that “W” guy; just not with the new kid.

So the conservative regime was more liberal than the liberal one turned out to be!  Who knew?

Maybe my chances of getting invited to the Republican National Convention are not so far-fetched after all?

Yahoo!     oooops .. I meant woohoo!

A Day of Remembrance – Wednesday November 11th

Okay, it’s time to put away the stockings and heels for a moment and talk about something important.  Really important.

On Wednesday, 11/11 at 11 o’clock we, in Canada, like so many other places in the world, will observe a moment of silence in memory of those who gave up their lives in combat for our freedom.  In preparation for this event, me and most other Canadians have been wearing a poppy on our lapels. .. left side, over the heart.

The poppy is a symbol of remembrance in my country and many other allied countries who contributed troops to the war effort in World War 1.  Poppies grew in abundance in Flanders Fields, a battlefield-turned-burial ground that spanned an area from southern Belgium to north west France.

I ask you to please take a few minutes to watch the very poignant Canadian video below to honour those who made the ultimate sacrifice so bimbo’s like me can have the freedom to be who we are, regardless how controversial.

Please watch it …… for me. It’s important.


A Happy Day

It’s a  happy day here for a couple reasons.

First, I’ve come the realization that I have a chance to win the Noble Peace Prize next year.  Although many think that guys who dress like chicks are insane, it seems the Noble Committee has us all beat.  To give the award to someone who simply got elected destroys their credibility totally, in my eyes.

Just wait and see.  The “fever” that this man has created will become a huge dividing force and a threat to freedom around the world.

And secondly, Thanksgiving is Monday up here in Canada.  Happy Turkey Day to all my friends in Canada.