Category Archives: About Being a T-girl

I’d Love To Help

I’m always looking to get involved, to stay engaged.  And for the longest time, I’ve wondered if this is an area where I can actually help others in some small way.

You see, while moving around the ‘trans web’ .. blogs, websites, chat rooms .. I see a lot of pain, a lot of carnage, a lot of well intended bad advice.  We come out to spouses, kids, friends and work associates just as we’re told by our peers and things get ugly.

Yes, the rabbit hole is there but I honestly believe there’s a way around it for many of us without falling down the hole in exactly the same way as so many before us.

I have no experience with how therapists recommend we tell others about our deep dark secret because, it would appear,  we only see a therapist after the damage is done, to help us pick up the pieces.  In fact, I have no training in this area at all and bring nothing more to the topic than open-minded experience watching other’s pain and being a good listener and shoulder to cry on. .

In my opinion, the biggest lie propagated within the trans community is “If they love you, they’ll understand” ~ me

[avatar user=”Seleena” size=”medium” align=”left” /]

So what I’m proposing is to create a resource .. a website  maybe .. with ‘best practices’ based on emotionless common sense and feedback from others. And ideally a section for blindsided spouses and family members to get practical info on why it happened and what to expect.  Something for us to read .. to consider .. before we tell, and something for them to read .. to consider ..  after they hear.

So as I mull this over in my head, email me your thoughts or comment here.  Or better yet, send me YOUR advice .. the “Do’s” and “Don’t’s” from your angle. And if you know a therapist who might be interested in contributing, please let me know that too.

When it feels so right, it’s easy to become delusional about the way the world perceives us.  This is often known as The Pink Fog, and doesn’t give us much of a chance to make it work. – me, again

The progressive uprising of the last 8 or 9 years has made us bold and demanding and has created fictitious monsters for us to blame for our pain but it hasn’t offered a path to happiness.

I’d love to be able to help with that.

Upcoming Event – 2016 Scarlett’s Maine Event

As some of you already know, I’m a huge fan of Scarlett’s Maine Event.  I went to the inaugural event last year (and wrote about it here) and had a wonderful time.


If this seems like the type of event that you might enjoy, plan now to attend and let me know you’ll be there.

This year’s event is September 14-18 2016 in Ogunquit Maine – “a beautiful place by the sea”.



CiCi – One Classy Lady

I’m very excited today.  After waiting a couple months, I was finally able to see the TED Talk that a friend in Los Angeles did back in April.

If you’re familiar with the retailer Suddenly Fem you’re probably familiar with CiCi’s blog.  It has a very large audience.

CiCi and I go back quite a few years. We’ve only been together once in the flesh but we used to spend lots of time together in a trans chatroom, back in the days when I webcammed lots in that chatroom.

CiCi and I can argue all day long about who was an inspiration to whom, and we did a little of that today when I messaged her online to congratulate her on the wonderful job she did with the TED Talk.

Anyway, she’s always been special to me, and if you’ll take a few minutes to watch her TED Talk, you’ll understand why.

Yay CiCi!

Marriage Equality, Batman, and Jenner

an early morning walkA couple things have been on my mind so I thought I should write them down.  Because, god forbid, I should forget them and be unable to rehash them over and over  in my head ad nauseum.

First off, congrats to all the same sex couples pondering marriage in the US.! Finally!  It’s unfortunate that this  came down the way it did but it’s still a good thing .. kinda.   Your country is even further divided now but as long as we’re on the side that “won”,  we’re happy, yes?

I know many of you don’t see things this way but using the hashtag #LoveWins implies that someone lost.   And, honestly, that’s not a good way to look at this.  Celebrate, but don’t construct a loser.

Another thing I’ve been seeing lots lately in tgirl monologues;  an increasing number of girls in my circle are once again referring to themselves in the third person.  You know, “I went out as Jennifer“. Or “… it’s all about being Stephanie“.   Or “they finally met Lisa“.

Seriously, unless you consider this a costume, you didn’t go out AS anyone.  You are you, even though many of you sometimes present in girl mode or guy mode.

But I once went out as Batman.  And no one took me seriously either.

And lastly,  the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing continues to go down the path I predicted.  Her net worth is increasing dramatically while she continues to make fluff transgender statements in her lingerie.

A few in the trans community have caught on, but the rest continue to ride her bandwagon.   So I’m going to make another prediction.  Emotional instability, or even worse, for Ms Jenner in the near future.

She still seems very uncomfortable with her new reality.   It’s time for her to leave the public eye to internalize and reflect under the watchful eye of a good therapist.

But if you’re going to stay out there, please don’t speak on my behalf.

Sir? Ma’am?

SeleenaK_8091sFBA recent comment from a friend got me thinking.  I know .. I shouldn’t do that.

She was bewildered about how she’s treated when visiting a particular city.  You know, the “sinful” city in the US desert southwest. I’ll paraphrase her comment.  “I get all dressed up, makeup, hair and they refer to me as “sir”.  Back home, I do much less appearance prep and am most often referred to as “ma’am”.

I’ll separate out the part of her comment that related to “dignity and respect” because I find that particularly troublesome, and will address it later.

But for now, I think most of you would agree that gender perception is a basic human function and doesn’t change when entering a particular city limits.  Yes, some people will “make” us and will address us as the ‘wrong’ gender to be insulting or to show disapproval but, for the most part, I don’t think people put that much effort into a casual, public encounter.

I wanted to tell her to just look in the mirror.  When moving outside our normal circle, it’s not uncommon that we do things differently.  Behavior and appearance often change to suit what we determine are the circumstances.   Look .. in .. the .. mirror.  It’s all there.

But what do I know?  I learn by observation and work hard to be addressed as the gender I appear but have no delusions that I’m fooling anyone, and am okay with being referred to by the wrong pronoun.  And frankly, being “ma’am’d” when I’m in guy mode would just never happen  to me.

And to her comment that being called “sir” failed to treat her with  “dignity and respect”, this attitude, in a nutshell, it’s why we continue to struggle for acceptance.  We need to “get real” if we expect others to take us seriously.

People are visual creatures but their abilities are not so well honed that they can see the gender we feel in our hearts.   For that, we need to provide some solid visual clues.  And accept responsibility when we fail to do that.

Talented But in an Inflexible Career?

I have a fantasy.

Not a sexy one this time, although I do have many of those too.  This one is about the trans folk I communicate with and the struggle many have being unable to work in their preferred gender presentation.

I don’t know how typical this is in the transgender world but the majority of those we associate with .. both tgirls and admirers .. seem to be high achievers.  People who are very good at what they do, or have done, to earn a living.  And the retired ones often came from exceptional careers too.

20140131_154601sProfessionals, leaders, creative people, entrepreneurs, salespeople, marketing folks, teachers, tradespeople; even those with less notable jobs have a spark that would burst into a four-alarm blaze given the opportunity.

If it were only possible to tap into this brilliance in some collaborative way.

We’re so connected these days that a ‘work from home’ situation is simple, thorough, efficient and cost effective, no matter where we’re located in the world, and I just know many might even consider a salary reduction until things got going.

There are also retired girls; some who left their day job way before they were ready to spend their days in a rocking chair just because the charade grew tiresome yet they’re now looking for something to sink their teeth  into.

Do we all have any common marketable skill or knowledge?  Probably not but what so many of us do have in common is talent and capability.

A collaboration could easily cross international borders too.

Imagine waking up on workdays, throwing on some lipstick and heels and digging in to the challenges of the day.  I do this now to some degree but am well aware that a team can accomplish much more than the sum of it’s players.  Even admirers might prefer to spend their days communication and collaborating with those they admire.

Are you ready for a change? Do we need to talk?  Do we need to brainstorm this?  Or is this a fantasy that should be filed next to the one with the two Victoria’s Secret models in nylons and heels and the guy with the huge bulge in his pants on the corporate jet headed for Paris?

A Window into the Soul?

SeleenaK_2011-10-21-14.38.17I expressed disappointment to a close friend about the online behavior of a someone I would soon be meeting at an in-person event.  “But he’s really a nice person.  You’ll see when you meet him” she said.

Without having met him, I already know how wrong her observation is.  When we’re out in public, we’re on our best behavior.  For almost everyone, it’s something that’s easy to do for a relatively short period of time.  We’re in the “make a good impression” mindset.  We can guess at how long a time we’ll spend in the presence of others and therefore know how long we’ll have to “be nice”.  We get mentally prepared.

But we rarely get mentally prepared for the time we spend online.  We’re online doing email, chatting and posting when we’re happy, sad, wide awake, very sleepy, feeling great, feeling bad, and when we’re comfortably unprepared.  And these varying states of mind allow the real “us” to appear.

Nice people shine and not-so-nice people are exposed.  Me included.

So don’t give me any of that “it’s hard to know what someone is like without hearing their voice inflections and seeing their body language” nonsense.

Read the words and watch for repetitive behaviors.  Ninety-nine percent of the time, your feeling will be correct.  And you need to be able to write off the one percent because my imperfect theory had probably kept you safe .. physically and emotionally.

Trust your eyes and your brain.  Rationalizing and wishful thinking will get you in trouble.  And we, in the transgender world, are often the most susceptible;  the most needy of attention and affection.

It’s often been said that they eyes,  the heart, or the smile is a window into the soul.  But I believe it’s really that plastic, electronics-filled box in front of you.

The online personality you see in there is a window into a person’s soul.

Gender Dysphoria’s Smoking Gun?

Let me start by saying that the opinions expressed here are mine. I’m not a medical professional.

An article came to my attention recently that’s been on my mind lots.   It’s really a petition, not an article, and it’s written by a gentleman in the UK.  He’s petitioning the FDA to acknowledge that hormone therapy during pregnancy can lead to intersex genital development or transgender babies.

You can read the entire petition here but since it’s rather long, I’ll try to summarize it for you.

Between 1940 and 1980 (1971 in the US) doctors around the world commonly prescribed Diethylstilbestrol (DES) to pregnant women at high risk of miscarriage.  DES is a synthetic estrogen and the doses were huge .. some claimed them to have been the equivalent of a hundred birth control pills.

DES was sometimes prescribed in the first trimester but more often in the 2nd and 3rd.

I’m unable to verify this but the belief is that massive doses of “estrogen” in the 1st trimester – the time when physical genital development occurs – can lead to abnormalities; abnormalities we refer to as intersex .. often vagina/penis or ovary/testicle combinations in the same person.

I think it’s quite likely that the whole transgender phenomenon of recent times is largely being driven by people who were exposed to DES or other female hormone derivatives before birth. ~ petition  creator Hugh Easton

Massive doses of DES in the 2nd and 3rd  trimester of pregnancy, when brain development occurs, can be responsible for gender dysphoria (the mind of one gender and the body of the other) as well as non gender related problems such as depression, ADHD and autism.

If this is all true, it would explain a lot to many of us and might finally answer the question so many of us ask … why?

I can immediately make an observation that could discredit this way of thinking.  How do we explain transgenderism and the intersex condition before DES was used?  Historians tell us that transgenderism and “hermaphrodites”, as they were known back then, have been around for centuries.  And what about female-to-male transgenderism?

I suppose that if this were to be proven conclusively, an avalanche of lawsuits would follow and neither the pharmaceutical industry nor the medical community would like to see that.  And within the transgender world, there would likely be as much anger as there would be peace.

Maybe the DES treatment was overkill but at that time in history, even if the transgender risks were understood, the alternative would have been a risky pregnancy and a likely miscarriage.

So maybe being trans and alive isn’t such a bad deal.

Maybe it’s time to have a conversation with your mom, if you’re still able.  But wait until after Mother’s Day.


Note: I’ve created a survey here to try to gather some understanding from those who know about treatment their mother’s might have had while carrying them.  Please take moment to complete the survey and share it with the trans people in your life, whether there was a DES connection in their life or not. In fact, no DES connection is equally important in helping us understand.

It’s a non-scientific survey, or course, but it just might give us some food for thought.  And if doing a short survey is not your thing, you can check the live results here.

Doctor-Patient Confidentiality in the TG world

I have a couple questions.

I’m slightly familiar with the Canadian Medical Association’s stand on doctor-patient confidentiality and assume the rules are similar in most of the western world.  I’m also aware of  physician-patient privilege – the legal concept that prevents doctor-patient discussion from being used in a court of law, except under certain, very specific circumstances.

I do trust that doctor’s take this need for confidentiality very seriously but, to my knowledge, access to patient records is not restricted only to doctors.  Office staff, nurses, medical transcription people all might have access to those records.

SeleenaK_4763sReading about a “Get Tested” initiative here in Canada got me thinking.  The program is designed to make it easier for anyone to be tested for STD’s.  Is embarrassment or confidentiality concerns part or all of the reason we need discreet testing?

And are confidentiality concerns justified?

Does an HIV test imply a high-risk lifestyle? Does getting tested for chlamydia or gonorrhea imply careless promiscuity? Many of us in the lifestyle aren’t too quick to judge but what about the town gossip?

Ethics violations are serious charges for doctors but what about the doctor’s staff?  I would assume that dismissal would be the extent of the penalty for outing a patient to friends or acquaintances with “loose lips”.  Maybe not a big deal for those who change jobs and employers frequently but for the victim, it could be devastating.

The fact that a patient was tested for something, regardless of the results of the test, is likely as implicating as a positive test result.

So my questions are:

  • Is there something bigger preventing medical office personnel from telling the world about the documented discussions that go on between doctor and patient?
  • how common do you think it is for someone to be outed after visiting their doctor?

I personally have heard a medical office employee joke and laugh about a TG patient who comes in to the practice regularly for hormone therapy.  She volunteered so much detail that I thought she would have certainly provided a name if anyone asked for it.

Luckily no one asked.


more information is available at:

“Fresh Look” Invisible Stick-On Bra

Cleavage in photo not from the bra being reviewed
Cleavage in photo not from the bra being reviewed

Being a tgirl has it’s advantages (haha!) when it comes to style and the creating the appearance we strive for. We have no life long attachment to our girlish physique and therefore can be very flexible without it feeling weird (lots of irony in that statement!).

I’m a girl who’s always felt we have the somewhat unique opportunity to make the boobs match the outfit .. not vise versa.  Wearing a top or dress that could use a little more “fullness”?  No problem!  Use larger breastforms!  Front buttons about to pop?  Smaller boobies!

Unlike many women, I don’t identify with a particular cup size.  Sometimes I’m a D, sometimes I’m a C and sometimes I’m just me (barely an A).   So it surprises me that I hadn’t paid much attention to those self-stick cup-only bras made famous by Nu Bra and their ads in the media.

But while at an event recently, a discussion about these little wonders and their ability to assist in cleavage creation came up.  “But don’t pay $70 each for one.  Walmart sells them for $20”, I was told.

Harris K Telemacher (Steve Martin): I could never be a woman, ’cause I’d just stay home and play with my breasts all day. – L.A. Story

So shortly after I came home,  the Fresh Look version appeared on my favorite designer sell-off site at 2 for $19.99 (beige and black) so I bought the pair.  Not Nu Bra .. Fresh Look.

Not knowing what to expect and how they really fit, I had no idea what size would be right for me.  Could I wear the bra over breastforms? Were they a me-only deal?  I decided to try a C cup.

Well, it turned out that the entire cup is adhesive inside and quite sticky (at least when new) so I don’t think I’d risk sticking them to $200 forms.

So here goes!  Right after my shower, no lotion this time, I separated the cups, peeled back the protective plastic film on the beige one, turned  it inside out as recommended and aligned the center of  the cup with my nipple. Smoothed it into place.  Did the same with the other cup and connected them via the center clip.

And voila!  Cleavage!  Not my best ever (like in the photo above) but “all me” cleavage without any silicone.  I’m not sure how much of this is due to the fact that my breasts are quite “10 o’clock  – 2 o’clock” but the bra pulled them nicely together.

These little darlings certainly haven’t made me a C cup but for times when a less boobalicious look is preferred, these will work nicely.  They`ll also be perfect under a totally sheer top. No more visible straps or band across the back.

Next time I wear them I`ll be sure to measure them for cup size and will post the results in an update here.  I’ll  also let you know if I get anywhere near the 50 wearings the manufacturer suggests.

And in closing, I lifted my top and showed them to my sweetheart.  She approved, tried to `tweak`my nipples through the bra and bingo!  I got that all-to-familiar hugely erotic feeling that makes me purr and  makes my knees weak.

But that’s a story for another day.

What’s the Real Gender of an Author? and Facial Gender Analysis

There are a few fun tools available on the web these days that might be of particular interest to those of us in the transgender world.  The tools themselves are designed to be more fun than informative and were probably not designed specifically for transgender people at all.


The first one I’ll talk about today is Genderanalyser.  If my memory serves me correctly, the media story about this mentioned that it was written at Harvard or one of the big US schools.  It’s purpose in life is to tell if the text at the user-provided URL was written by a male or a female.  It provides a likelihood percentage and asks us to tell it if it’s correct.

“There are those who wish there were no differences between men and women. In the 1970’s at the University of California, Berkeley, the buzzword among young women was “mandatory unisex,” which meant that it was politically incorrect even to mention sex difference.” ~ Louann Brizendine, M.D.

I provided it with the url for my About Me page and it believes there is a 72% likelihood that page was written by a female.  When I tried my blog post Could I Blog Professionally? it replied “We guess is written by a man (56%), however it’s quite gender neutral.” 

I was a little surprised that my blog post New Website Look: The Reason For the Change returned 59% female.  I would have suspected that the frustration I was feeling when I wrote that would have come out as male characteristics but they really didn’t.

You can find Genderanalyser here.  Give it a try!


The second tool I’ll mention is Pictriev,  the Facial Search Engine.  Upload an imagine or provide an image URL and Pictriev will try to tell you if the face is male or female. It will also try to guess the age and provide a short list of famous people with similar faces.

I provide this image. It found my face buried in all the hair and scored it 22% masculine, 78% feminine and estimated my age at 26 – I’m more than double that age. Lookalikes include Paula Abdul, Joan Collins, Angela Lansbury and Jackie Collins.
Then I uploaded this one. It scored 61% masculine, 39% feminine and age 40. Lookalikes include Oprah Winfrey, Naomi Campbell, Young Jeezy and Lenny Kravitz.
Lastly, I tried this one. It scored 68% masculine, 32% feminine and age 45. Lookalikes are Susannah York, Sasha Cohen and Bianca Jagger. Interestingly, it believes the face is mostly male yet found only female lookalikes.













I also tried uploading a couple of photos of genetic females and, here are the results:

Marilyn Monroe is 0% masculine, 100% feminine and age 29. She died at age 36 so even the age is entirely possible. Her lookalikes were Marilyn Monroe (ha!), Barbara Lawrence and Mamie Van Doren.
Audrey Hepburn, who some believe had the perfect face, didn’t score quite as well as Marilyn. This photo as rated 6% masculine, 94% feminine and age 26. Her lookalikes were Audrey Hepburn (yay!), Sophia Loren and Jessica Marais.













So there you go.  Although I don’t know how the algorythm works, I think, if someone was so inclined, they could analyze their own results and make adjustments to their look to move the percentage in the direction of their choice.  A good self-improvement tool.

Yet when I discussed this online with tgirl friends their photos seemed to be scoring very high .. much higher than mine.  When they suggested I keep trying different photos until I got a high feminine rating I realized what they had been doing.

Instead of considering PicTriv fun or informative, they were using it flatter themselves.

We’re such an insecure, delusional group, aren’t we?  But maybe that’s what makes us sweet!

The Penis – Now You See It; Now You Don’t!


Did I really just say “penis”? I kinda like the sound of that word passing over my lips. Maybe a touch more classy than “cock” .. my usual term?

Anyway, those who refer to that piece of the anatomy as “junk” might be better off skipping this article. My opinions are much more pragmatic.

To tuck or not to tuck is a question asked by some of us. I’m never indifferent. There are times when I feel I must, and there are times when I feel I must not. I can’t tell you why it must be one way or the other for me but it has nothing to do with arousal for me.  It’s just about what seems “right”at the time.

But for this discussion, let’s assume you have either decided to make the big guy vanish because of the outfit you’re wearing, or that you’re feeling sexually girlish today, or that you and your penis are just not friends at the moment.

What is your goal and how do you make it happen?

SeleenaK_8231sThe standard tucking technique has been explained in tons of YouTube videos. It involves wearing a gaff, homemade from the ankle portion of a tube sock and the waistband of an old pair of pantyhose or bought ready-made from your favourite CD or drag queen supply store, and  often involves using tape.

Taping, although quite secure, isn’t usually a wise idea, in my opinion, because isn’t easy to remove, can hurt your skin and usually makes a visit to the ladies room difficult if not impossible. And an unexpected erection (for those of you inclined that way) can be quite painful.

But all methods involve pushing the testicle back up into their “pockets” in the lower abdomen. This leaves an empty scrotum that can be pushed back between the legs and into the butt area along with the penis, and then secured there with either a gaff, tight panties or tape.

Fun fact about testicles: In the early stages of male fetal development, ovaries descend from their position in the abdomen to form testicles. In female babies, they remain ovaries and stay up inside.

I’ve learned a similar but different way of doing it. Yes, testicles go up inside and scrotum goes back, but my penis goes straight into my body instead of going back and between my legs. In the same way the testicles each have their own pocket, the penis seems to have one too.  At least mine does 🙂  I just grab the head and move everything towards and into my pelvis.

A word about cock size: Some penises are the same length and circumference whether erect or not. When erect, they simply become rigid. Other cocks are smaller when flaccid yet grow, both in length and circumference, when erect. This behavior has nothing to do with final erection size. I fall into the second category yet, when erect, I’m at least slightly larger than average yet when flaccid, I’m a pretty easy “tuck”.  (You just don’t learn things like this in your high school locker room .. hopefully)

So, for me, testicles up, scrotum back between my lower butt cheeks, penis straight in and with a snug pair of SeleenaK_0761sxpanties or control top pantyhose, I’m good to go. Comfortable enough for all day, sitting, standing, moving around yet a trip to the ladies room is quick, hygienic, painless and requires no re-taping.

And if the sexual energy is high after the party is over, some direct but gentle pressure in that area with my Hitachi Magic Wand brings a mind-blowing orgasm of the “no-erection” variety.

My cum-like-a-girl technque for this type of vibrator play is done in exactly the same manner as how a women would use the vibe, but with a very .. umm .. moist conclusion.

Another benefit, for me at least, is that the whole area becomes somewhat sensitized when walking .. a pleasant feeling for me. And when sitting with my legs crossed as I most often do, a slight tensing of my muscles in that area can be quite erotic … and I can do this anywhere and at any time!

One more thing to mention. I can’t believe I’m going to mention this too but since I’m already a little over the top, why not? It’s about scent.

Maybe in a similar way to how a post-op transexual will self-lubricate, keeping the penis inside for an extended period of time causes a slight slippery film to develop and it has a bit of a fragrance .. somewhat similar to .. well, you know. Not intrusive, disguisting or objectionable at all but it’s definitely there.

So, if you’re interested in doing something different, give my technique a try. And please let me know if you’re able to manoever things around as I’ve suggested. Also, if you know of a reason why I shouldn’t be doing this, please let me know that too.

The thoughts and opinions here are mine only, and should not be used in place of common sense. Before altering the geography of your genetalia even temporarily, always consult a physician; not a web bimbo like me!

Hooter Uniform

My Hooters uniform arrived on Thursday and it’s time to take some photos today.

I wasn’t sure if I could pull off the look, and am still not after seeing the pics, but I guess they’ll appear here anyway. Thought that the look needed a nametag so I went to the computer and quickly made one up.  I ended up wearing it all day .. webcam on Alt dot com, stuff around the house, photos. And I found the knee high 5 1/2″ heel boots to be quite comfortable after 15 hours of wear.

High Heel Repairs

Picked up my favorite heels at the shoe repair shop.  Very nice job and quite inexpensive.  Actually, I just realized that I’m wearing those very same heels in the banner photo above. The new heel tips are only slightly thicker than the original one and I’m blown away at how much of a difference it makes in the wearability .. but when you’re always pushing the limited of heel height, a little means a lot.   I’ll spend several hours in them this weekend to ensure I don’t need to move them to the “bedroom only” closet.